My Great Undoing

by Jennifer on June 16, 2017

Wednesday, June 14th, 2017

It wasn’t new…

I had been undone so many times before.  My dress rehearsals were profound and comprehensive.  They were shows unto their own, not mere shells of the one to come.  But there is something to be said for my great undoing.  Its refrain is so different from the rest that the echoes alone could fascinate for an eternity.

It was elegant.  From the very moment I tumbled down the rabbit hole all the way through to the other side.  From the first pull of the corset string to the unraveling of deepest bone.  From the tear of the first fine fabric to the fraying of the twine at the core of all things.

I could not describe it with such love, if I had not already found the way through.  The painstaking way through that one finds only when they make love their art and life their craft.  The path you find when you endure beyond being unmade.

Take my hand.  I am so proud to show you the garden at the center of a desert it took years for me to cross…

Have I told you before about the state I used to reach when I traveled?  I remember it most when I was alone.  I remember the awkward beginnings.  The strange packing of things and goodbyes.  The initial uncomfortable bus ride, boat trip, or flight.  The tiresome riding in cars.  The first meals that tasted not quite right.  It took days, and on some trips even weeks, for me to find the flow.  Once I found it I experienced something only beings like wildcats seem to know about.  A sleek movement through air as if it were water.  An instinct acting faster than thought, as instincts do.  I slid on and off of city streets, through darkened bazaars, and from town to town effortlessly.  I came upon the things I needed as part of one clean movement, and every morning the sky was new…

Yes, being an ancient creature has helped me know a life in general that poetic.  I walk the lines between worlds, and I love them all.  But in many ways it is illness that has given me the deepest secret entrance to the further mysteries while living on this earth.  About a year ago, I wrote that when I had completely healed from Lyme Disease I would be able to say that it was going feral that healed me most of all.  While I am not totally recovered yet, it is indeed becoming more and more feral that has helped me make the incredible progress I have made.  (Oh yes, I see now that that previous post is exactly where I talked about that traveling experience before…)

I thought it was enough that I was so attuned to my body, to the love within me, to my intuition, to my sexuality.  I felt graced by my gifts and by spending my life helping others discover these gifts more fully within themselves.  But life had even more in store for me.  Life wanted me to cross the threshold which involved the torment of utter undoing, and the resultant gift of utter release…

I had already made the underworld my home, a friend.  But life wanted me to make deeper chambers, and then make them my own.

It took about seven years for my health to slowly decline as it succumbed to the infection I had obtained early in my life, and by the time I am done it will have taken a good three additional years of treatment following diagnosis to turn it around.  So, this has been a decade-long lesson.

I know every nuance of the chrysalis now.  The dissolve, the surrender, the place between.  The new spark, the slow growing, the efforted emergence.  Knowing wings.  Flying free.  Finding out it was all worth it.  Every time.

My sensitivity was always a gift.  But now it is a superpower.

Yes, especially while I am still healing, I have to avoid certain smells, sounds and places.  I have to avoid the smoke of a bonfire by circulating around it, but it keeps me light on my feet.  I wear headphones around kitchen noises, but I can hear a lone owl call from a shore far away.  I could always talk to the moon, but the far-off stars know my name now.

There is too much more to tell.  It will take me a lifetime, but luckily I have one.  A lifetime and the unquenchable thirst to write it all down.  In the meantime, take this small slice of my story as a reminder that no matter how you have suffered or struggled, or may be doing so now, it is all for some more beautiful purpose that has yet to unfold.  It will show itself to you someday, just as this rose of purest knowing and love is unfolding itself before me now.  I just feel it coming on now from far away, because that is what Oracles do, and after all I have been doing this for such a very long time.  Before stars were stars.  Being wise, or capable, or loving doesn’t mean you never struggle.  It means that you are no stranger to pearls.

Here is to the pearl you are growing right now…your most beautiful yet…

With all my heart,

Jennifer

 

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Margaret rose Mourino June 18, 2017 at 1:08 pm

Thank you. That was beautiful. I think I need some unraveling…..

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Jennifer June 19, 2017 at 3:40 pm

Thank you so much, Margaret! So lovely! <3

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