Cross My Heart

by Jennifer on June 12, 2012

Monday, June 11th, 2012

I was at a party when Venus crossed the face of the sun.  I spent a long time squinting through sun-safe glasses before I could see it.  Those of us gathered with our paper black-out shades on looked like we were at a drive-in 3D movie, but we were looking at something much more momentous.  Something that would never repeat in the length of any of our human lives.

I had to look over and over again, for almost an hour, while people told me where to look and what to look for…a freckle on the sun near the 3 o’clock position.  Finally, in a flash and like a wondrous vision, I saw her.  And it was as if that snapshot moment was developed on the paper of my soul.  She may as well have risen from the ocean, birthed from a shell right before my eyes.  I knew it would never leave…the memory of this moment marking the time just before the world would open up again.

For even though Venus looked indeed to be the size of a freckle, her presence was unmistakable.  She was the writing on the wall of the sun.  For now the world can finally fall apart, in all the best ways instead of only the worst, and you will have a front row seat.  Oh yes, you’ll get all the updates, because it will be happening right inside your heart…

So, if you feel sometimes lately like you can’t breathe, let alone sleep well, or like your moods are more varied than the ocean’s, you are not alone.  If you feel scattered and frazzled, and at worst as if you are going to totally cave in on yourself, collapsing from the weight of trying to function as if through hardening glue, you are right on track…and just about to crack.  (Again…and in a bigger way than ever.)  Of course, we’ve been going through these changes for some time now.  The transformational and evolutionary energies at work in our time have pushed us up against the wall so many times, and then, sometimes with brute force, right through it…

We’ve pretty much come to expect the intensity and growth, but at the same time we know there is no real way to “master” it…we know we can only show up and try to be as ready as we can for what no one can ever be ready for.  And there is only one reason for all of this.  It’s all a big shakedown to make us more real, and to slough off everything we’ve integrated that isn’t true to our souls.

Still, like the scraping of old paint off wood that seems to have soaked it in, this can be challenging and we may feel great pain and distress, and not even be sure if what is leaving is authentic or not.  All we may know is that we are almost to the point where we have nothing left to lose.  Almost, but not quite.  We resist that last stage because we associate it with total loss, but it is actually our complete freedom and liberation.  We keep trying to plug the cracks because we think we can’t really, fully fall apart.  But that is the only way out…through.  It is that last door we haven’t tried, while wringing our hands and hearts down endless hallways of doors that won’t open.  It is the path that seems crazy, but is really the only one that is sane.  It is the path to the new world.

I was happy to be gathered with friends when the transit happened that evening.  I am always reminded of the ancient days when we came together for special events of the stars and earth such as this…to celebrate.  And while things look a bit different now with friends dressed in feathers, rainbows, pink furry robes, wigs and sequins dancing to funk and soul music, I might as well have been alongside the Nile with my toes in the black earth, laughing, dancing, smiling and looking at the smiling faces of my sisters and brothers as we reflect one another’s light.  For it is time for us to dance in both ecstatic abandon and simple joy again by the Nile, time to remember to celebrate again, however we can, even as the inner and outer worlds fall down.

How?  How to be a beacon of light radiating from a mountain top, aglow in a pitch black night?  How to rise above the murky pain enough to breathe the new air of sweetness and hope?  How to laugh, even between rivers of tears?  How to dream when all you once thought you wanted has twisted into the braid of lost longings and unfulfilled desires?  How to dance when all of your energy is invested in digging in so you won’t slide down a slippery slope?  It would be too simple to tell you to just let go, so instead I am going to tell you how.

Make time.  Before you can even make love, make dreams come true, or make anything else, you’ve got to make time.  In fact, I would like to suggest that you become a carver of time.  Not only will you be able to then carve time out of places there seems to be none, but you will be able to carve elegant doorways, passageways to new places you have been so much longing to go, or didn’t even know you needed.  But while this seems a simple suggestion, it is perhaps one of the most difficult practices of all.  For there is a war waged on our time, and we have been, most of us, losing the battle.  You become a silent but powerful rebel when you reclaim time for yourself, and I am here to be a voice of that rebellion.  You will not find your center, or nourish your soul again until you make time for you.

I don’t mean more time to run around to appointments, classes, or activities.  I mean time without a plan.  Time that offers you countless options and let’s you choose what actually feels good to you.  You want abundance?  Find time, and through time, the timeless, and even your desire again.  For we will never know what we truly want if we can’t even hear the voice of our heart, or make choices from that wanting.  When time flows freely around and through you like a wild and rolling river, then the universe will open to you.

Once upon a time, we knew just how to do this.  Simply to be open to the moment, a moment of our own choosing, and to feel.  But that was back in the days when dawdling and daydream were not sanctioned, and laughter and tears came of their own bidding.  That was before we learned how to hold back the river, and hold our breath, nearly every moment of the day.  I know that letting it go now seems almost ludicrous, like a destructive torrent that would surely ruin everything we have worked for.  But that is nature, and nature within always knows just how to let some things live and others die for the good of the whole of our being.  We have boxed up our nature but it is spilling out.  Only when we find its flow again, come hell or high water, will we be able to walk in true knowing and bliss again.

I know it is scary to not be in control.  Funny thing is, it’s right now that we aren’t in control.  It is when we feel the pulse of our true nature again that we will feel the pure movement of truth running through our veins.  And yes, all I am saying this takes is an afternoon without plans…a weekend without a charted course…a wide-open month.  You can start small, but there is one more piece that is absolutely required for this to work…repetition.  You have to make and carve out time over and over again, which takes work, and then you have to guard that time with your life.  You have to unplug, not only perhaps from your phone or internet, but from everyone and everything that requires you, obligates you, and draws you away from hearing the beating of your heart, or the singing of birds.

You have to endure the first hard times where you have opened up space to just be, and it drives you crazy.  You have to endure wanting to avoid making that space to hear yourself, because you are afraid that you won’t like what you hear, or that you won’t be able to hear yourself at all even if you try.  You have to step away from the time-stealers and even the well-intentioned people that still might make little of your time just for you.  You have to deal with the feelings that might come up around how long it has been since you really took time for yourself, or maybe what it is like to find out that you don’t even know what you truly enjoy doing anymore.

This practice of making time will remind you how to breathe.  It will eventually remind you how to relax, how to know what you feel and want, how to know what is right for yourself and your life, how to make your dreams come true, how to make love, how to make it through the day, no matter how hard the day is, how to know ecstasy…eventually making time for yourself will show you everything.  All you have to do is make it the most important thing in your life…after all your life depends on it.  You can’t be fully  you and really live unless you are in touch with your realness.  And you can’t be there, fully and truly, for anyone else, unless you are nourished.

I carve out time every day, and it is my priority.  By now I am so versed in so many things I love that a free afternoon is a landscape of possibility.  There is music, and nature, and dancing and laughter…there are flowers to watch blooming and breezes to feel on my skin.  There is writing, and singing, and feeling the weight of my body.  There is so much joy it is hard to express…which is why I am glad to have a lifetime to try.  The only time I get lost and my compass spins is if I stop making time, and do too much…make too many plans or work too hard for too long without coming up for air.  Though that happens rarely now, when it does I have to start again.  I have to just sit and let my mind spin until I can feel myself again.  I have to sit with the discomfort of having no idea what would feel good to me right then.  But of course, by now I know that feeling will pass.  Like a mermaid-turned-human too long from the sea, I will have to sit by the ocean for a while trying to remember and feel it before my legs finally turn into a fin once more…and I can dive out into the arms of my home again.  I belong to both worlds, you see, just like you.  We must visit both worlds if we are going to bring them together…but if we never re-visit the ocean, we will lose sight of the deepest aspect of our nature…of who we really are.

After years of making this space for myself I have gotten to be a better and better carver.  Three years ago I started carving out a month every year to do nothing.  Well…I don’t do nothing exactly, but just do whatever I want.  I have no plans, no datebook.  I get all my work done so that I will have nothing but open space.  A year and a half ago I started working on an even bigger, more magnificent carving project…an entire summer entirely for myself.  It was ambitious, even for someone with my time-carving skills.  I thought about it last year when I had already booked the whole year, and especially last summer while I worked endlessly on re-building my entire website.  I crafted everything I created for this year around the summer, like a sacred centerpiece that would nourish everything else.

I am writing to you now about this because I am leaning over the edge looking at the abyss of open space beneath my extended foot…and I am about to leap.  The lovingly-carved gateway is framing my glowing body, and I am about to fulfill my self-prophecy, and for that reason, if no other, I know you can do it too.  I want you to be able to fall through the cracks of time, and find everything you lost there, and much more buried treasure than you ever imagined.  Make a date now with yourself…take an afternoon off and never stop making new time.  It will blow open your world, and be a healing balm and sweet nectar for all the world-rocking energies that are threatening the walls of your very being and infringing on the edges of your soul.  It will give you the vision you have been waiting for, and the hope to carry you through every dark night.  It will show you again what you love, and how to live it.  It will answer your questions, and soothe your heart.  It will remind you of all the things you once knew, and show you how to trust what you can’t see.  It will make the mark of new beauty on your soul stand out so you can see it, even if you have to squint for a long time at first before you do.  And you will never be the same after that, I promise.

Cross my heart.

Love, Jennifer

Want to read more about the recent Venus Transit energies?  Read Jennifer’s Oracle Prophecy Messages here…

 

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Sarah of the dancing temple September 5, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Yes, yes, I have done this, do do this in my life…with myself and with my son.
It is a delicious way to live.
And I have stumbled across your writing just when someone tonight has tried to make
me feel small, has tried to squeeze me into a box, stealing all my colour and radiance.
I want to be seen having a fit, not accepting this smallness.
In deep safety.

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