Sunday, November 7th, 2010
From the moment that the first leaves began to turn brown, as I’ve walked through the woods and seen them change, I have only had one mantra in my mind. Let go. Only it isn’t sad, or a burden, or a command I give myself born of compromise and forced resignation. It isn’t forced at all. It is just that everything else in my heart has been stripped away….everything but love and letting go.
And though it isn’t forced, it is most certainly a choice. It is the only choice that brings me freedom, and sweetness, no matter what the circumstance. As I walk on the moist ground, I am literally hearing the hush and the darkness begin to descend, literally watching the color rise to its peak and then begin to drain away from everything, making space for the color within to come forth again, and for the color within us to be seen, bright and wild against a gray and white backdrop.
Then I let the things in my life that pull at my heart in a way that keeps me from flying to come into my thoughts and feelings. And then I surrender them. I let go of everything inside of me. I trust in the universe and my own great soul’s plan, and the perfection of everything that is happening. And it is as if a weight falls off of me and any pain that was there, any struggle, is gone. The condition still exists, but there is no worry. And then there is only openness to change, rather than resistance. I realize that this makes me rather an anomaly…sort of an alien functioning differently than most people, and I am just fine with that.
And if it is something that I love, I repeat to myself those well-loved words, “If you love something, let it go…if it is meant to it will come back to you…” And then I repeat, with that thing I love so much it makes my heart ache and rush, “if you love something…let it go. if you love something…let it go.” And there isn’t any love that goes away. Only the painful attachment which really is fear. That love only grows. And the bigger the love gets, the more whole and perfect everything suddenly is. And so I have to walk often, and love often, and love more…and more…and more.
And a funny thing sometimes happens then. Just when you become more open, more in love, more wild and free, more whole and enlivened and deeply at peace, there is what seems like a backlash…out of place and abrupt and it serves two great purposes. First, it can throw you off balance just when you’ve found it. If you decide to trust even more fully at that moment, and continue your walk the way you’d been going, in alignment with what you most deeply know is true, this experience will only empower you and make you feel even more both rooted and free. It is also the very natural result of having claimed more of your true knowing and joy. There is a clearing that happens in your life that is a great blessing, though it may seem like a bad sign at first. This clearing is simply a removing of all of the vibrations in your life that are no longer in accordance with the new level of vibration you have entered. The friends who exit simply cannot join you in your new place of dwelling, at least at the time. The people who rise up to criticize you in a negative and non-helpful way are simply self-selecting themselves out of your life. And this, is a very good thing. The job that falls through, the doors that close….they are all making way for what is newly in alignment with our great, vibrant light. Just as long as we don’t back down at the guardians at the gate and decide to shrink back into the previous comfort-zone where we didn’t ruffle any feathers or take up much space. Just as long as we decide that these are good losses and something far better must be on its way. If we cling to the old we will never be open to the new.
And yes, first we may find ourselves naked for a while. With the old fallen away and the new not yet enfolding us, the chilly winds may feel bitter and we may feel more vulnerable than ever to darkness. Negativity may swirl around us, tempting us like the buddha under the bodhi tree. It will try to convince us that we should give up on becoming more of what we truly are…on entering even more fully into the realm of purest, wildest, richest, sweetest, freest love. But when the warm sun within you begins to shine on everything inside of you, and you glow like a golden moon…you will pay no heed. Soon that inner light of love will be so strong in you that the winds of negativity don’t even bother blowing by your door. And when doubt knocks, disguised as an old friend, you may be thrown off at first, but soon enough you will see through it. The light of your heart will show you. You may still entertain the doubt, on days when you have more time or when you think it might have something interesting to tell you. But even then you will never make it a permanent guest. You will have too many hours delight and inner fascination for that.
You are the secret. You are the wish and the dream. You are the light and the bringer of truth. You are the honey and the nectar of the heavens. You are the beginning, and the end, and the beginning again. You can birth universes if you desire. Just love, and let go. Because you will never really lose anything, if you do.
Love, Jennifer
