When I Let Go…

by Jennifer on August 13, 2018

Friday, August 6th, 2018

I dreamt about my grandmother’s house again. The small home that seems to sprawl in my mind…the drawers and cupboards spilling their contents out if even slightly provoked. The entire building felt like a time capsule, since it was hard for my grandmother to let almost anything go. So it has both a harmless and a bit of a haunted energy in my mind. I loved to explore the aging contents of her home, squirrelled away always in case of some looming winter because of the hardships she grew up with, but I also wince a little at the memory of dust and mothballs and papers that nearly crumbled in your hands.

It’s all because of the box. My dreaming about grandma’s house.

You see, I have become incredibly sensitive to the generally-benign fungal breakdown of old papers and books. For a writer this has been a heart-breaking realization, but also a great gift. After all, it led me to my closet. I had a closet filled with every bit of paper and old book of writing from my entire life…as a scribe and a record-keeper I had a love affair with these old books of my poems, and letters, and stories I had written. I thought I would look back on them when I was 80, but instead I am having to face them all much, much sooner and make hard decisions about them now.

It was actually because I tried to meditate nightly for a year. I meditate in a lot of ways, but usually not as a daily seated practice and wanted to see what it would be like…but the smell of my closet bothered me too much for me to meditate in my special place. I literally owned a closet full of things that were making me sick…even if they were dear to me. That knowledge, along with the true blessing of finding The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, gave me what I needed to finally declutter down to the bones of everything I owned. Even though I am not quite done and have some of the hardest last items ahead of me, I have no words for what it has given me to do this process.

But I never thought I would give up the box.

The box doesn’t seem all that special I guess. It is just a wooden box that had a scene of a house in a wood pasted onto it which had already half fallen away when I fell in love with it. I found the box when I was a little girl, up on top of one of grandma’s wardrobes. It had the most beautiful antique heart-shaped lock on it, and I just knew it would hold all of my most sacred things. Grandma, not famous for letting go of things as I mentioned, gave it to me anyway. I was the happiest little girl I could have been.

I put all my most special things in it. And as the rare little girl who started her calling as an Oracle at a young age, I had many sacred things indeed. I even kept my crystals in it, and, once I started giving my childhood readings, I always, always brought the box with me so my healing things would be ready for the session. I adored my box.

And I kept it all these years. I would look at it and feel joy rush through me. When I reached the time to begin going through sentimental items I decided to go through the box when I was doing the rest of my crystals, but just for a cursory glance since I was sure I would never want to let anything in that special box go.

And then, I opened it…and even through the mask I was wearing I could smell it. It smelled like death. It was the most horrible-smelling thing I had yet found. Don’t get me wrong. Someone else would say it smelled perhaps like any old antique, but to my system it smelled like poison. Tears burst from my eyes. I knew there was no way on earth that I could keep it.

Life was showing me what to let go of, whether I wanted to or not.

And of course I know the truth. I know I will still be that little girl who gave readings even without the box. I will still be that child who knew everything that she believed from deep within, and lived from that knowing. I am still that girl every day now. I am the girl who held to that knowing, even through great hardships…just as I do now.

No, there wouldn’t have been anything wrong with keeping the box in different circumstances. It was a very lovely and special thing to keep…magical to me like a living memory I could still feel under my fingers. With so many memories from past lives that I can’t have mementos from, I have cherished things like the box even more. But life wanted me to let go of the box, and showed me in the clearest way she knew how. So, let it go I shall.

I could get another box. I could fill it with all my special things now. But I feel I am done with boxes. I have loved them so, but now I don’t want my home to be a time capsule like my grandmother’s. I want my home to be an open window where the wind can blow through, and I will keep my crystals on that windowsill.

And perhaps I will be more that little girl than ever when she is not represented by that box.

If I threw it in the ocean, (which I would not do) perhaps the mermaids would keep their special things there. But I would no longer do the same. Keeping some special things can give one wings, but keeping too many special things can keep one from flying.

I suppose, like the little mermaid herself, I created a beautiful cavern of wonderful things that set my heart aflame. But in my story it is me that has to let it all go back into the stream of life. It is me that has to deconstruct the temple of my past joy.

Again, please don’t misunderstand and think I will keep nothing (there are many things I will still keep, or scan), or that I am saying anything one keeps is holding them back. Oh goodness, no. I am just telling you what happened to me, when I began to have to release things I loved like stars falling through my fingers, and knew it must be time to create a new night.

And in many ways my journey is just beginning. In the past two or more years I have decluttered absolutely everything in my house but the very last items…sentimental paper items. They all fit in two huge plastic tubs and I can see them when I turn my head to the left…right now. They are waiting for me, promising that the journey will have challenges and require great courage…but will also bear great treasures, and will surely set me free.

In the dream at my grandmother’s house I got overwhelmed by the musty smells and needed to get outside to find some fresh air. But as soon as I arrived, looking down at the familiar dried grass and sand I stood on every summer growing up, I remembered the ticks. The ticks that most likely gave me Lyme Disease, which has marked my life in ways that are impossible to describe.

But there are phenomenal gifts that come from a mark that deep.

There is no way I could have brought back the medicine at the bottom of the dark ocean where almost nothing lives if I hadn’t gone there myself, and while I rail against it on the nights I still backslide a bit on my long healing journey, I wouldn’t change anything about the years it has taken.

For if I had found an instant cure long ago, there are so many things that wouldn’t have happened that I would never trade for anything…things that will bless the rest of my amazing life. Like the opportunity to live in a home that feels like an open window, and not like a mausoleum of my past…like the chance to live with things that leave me bright, the chance to live light.

And yes, some of this is consolation for my becoming “allergic” to things I love. But it is the best consolation I could ask for. And while my two bins of old paper still don’t smell good when you pull the papers out and open them up, overall the bad smell is completely gone from my room, and every room in my house. And this was all just yet another way for me to listen to my body, and for her to show me what was right for me.

And that has been the deepest gift of this long slow healing journey…the gift I never have to give away or let go of, because it lives inside me. I was so profoundly attuned to my body before, but now for the rest of this life, there is no distinction between she and I at all.

We are one wave. One pulse.

And I would give up all the boxes in the world for that, and so much more.

Here’s to feeling light and free, because we let go of what we thought we never could…and in doing so kept everything we could ever truly want.

Love,

Jennifer

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Jennifer Luna Posada
July, 2018

In the wake of a fresh new moon and solar eclipse, there is a silence.  A pause…but one covered in frantic, intense energies, obscuring that precious pearl of new knowing you attained by moving through recent deeply transformational energies.  Your boat has been rocked, rocked again, and perhaps even struck by lightning or thrown against rocks recently.  You perhaps may wonder where you veered off course, and how you lost sight of the stars even for a moment…

I am here to tell you that you didn’t lose sight of the stars in some terrible momentary mistake…you simply closed your eyes and trusted as you never have before…

Maybe you didn’t know such a powerful moment was coming.  It wasn’t in the plans or on the map.  Maybe you were just sitting on the edge of the boat on a quiet night and you dipped between the worlds without even meaning to…and when you came back from that mere moment the waves were upon you.  I want you to know you did nothing wrong.  You were following a deeper guidance than maps, or even stars.  You were following the beginning of a wave of eclipse energies that have been perfectly designed to take you to a new shore.

Yes, it might not be what you had planned, but whether you realized it or not at the time, you truly let your boat be guided by a deeper force than ever before.  Now, as has happened at other times, older structures have crumbled and you may feel too weary from the destruction of the old to continue on your journey.  That is precisely why this is a good moment to rest…

“Jennifer,” you might be thinking, “that is a lovely message and sentiment, and I appreciate where your heart is coming from but really…rest?  Now?  Now I am being pushed along by a tide I can barely keep up with…now I am being forced with great energy to go, go, go…whether I have little or a lot to do.  How…in the world…could I possibly rest now?”

And I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that a bit.

But I would like to share a different view of rest that will allow us to take the best advantage of the current eclipse and other planetary energies in this great alchemical window between the recent solar eclipse with the new moon that happened on the 12th, and the two upcoming eclipses over the next month, July 27th and August 11th (search online to be sure of the correct dates for your time zone.)

This different view of rest involves resting more deeply into yourself.  And while it would be profoundly advantageous to experience it on long afternoons in a hammock, on a beach, or just snuggled into your bed, it can also be experienced in moments…and the more often we dip into it the better.

But how to feel this deeper rest inside yourself and be nourished by it?  Get everything else you possibly can out of the way.  In my prophecy message for this year, I wrote:

“So cast off…cast off your inhibitions and the things you don’t love anymore.  Take the risk of unburdening yourself in whatever possible ways you can.  Clear out your garage or do that releasing ritual from your last relationship you know you so much need to do. Buy new sheets or a new piece of clothing or whatever you know it’s really time to refresh.  But, whatever else you do, donate, recycle, or throw away every possible item that weighs you down and holds you back.  Burn some things if needed.  Just get the layer of dust off of your life and your heart and get ready to shake the fuck free.  It’s time for your spine to move again, your lungs to fill again, and for life force to flow through you like music…”

So when I speak of this being a time of being refreshed by a deeper rest within in order to make room for new freedom and powerful new blessings in your life, while that may mean painting your room a new color or getting a radically different haircut (and those things might be a part of this for you!) I am not just speaking about physical things or posessions, I am really speaking about releasing on a fundamental level possibly more than you ever have before, in all areas of your life, and being left with a lightness you have perhaps missed since childhood, or before…

Secondly, take every moment you possibly can to be more deeply sensual…notice the colors of flowers, look around at everyone’s faces at dance class, sink your fingers into ocean water, or stones, or run them along the bark of a tree.  Sink in to anything you can that feels good.  Sink further back into your chair for a few moments before you pop up to run that errand.  Find out what it means, right now for you even a moment at a time, to feel languorous.  Because right now that is the alchemy that can change your life.

And the path to languorousness, is quite simple: lingering.

And the path to lingering is noticing when a moment feels good, and letting it hang in the air of your being.  Stay with the fragrance of that moment just a second longer before it fades and you face the next thing that comes your way.

Because a lot is coming our way right now.  And so much of it unavoidably needs to be addressed.  This is your chance to weed.  This is your chance to get better and better at choosing.  This is a time to really decide what you want to bring forward into the rest of the year and a new life with you, and what absolutely must be left behind in order for you to fly free.  And even when you can’t decide, the Universe (you at the soul level) will decide for you and make it absolutely obvious what needs to be released.

After these potent energies pass, you will be able to feel the new space, and deliciously decide what you want to invite into that space.  But the space must be made first, and sometimes that may feel painful, (other times wonderful,) and if it is painful we need space to heal, rest and refresh…

I am talking about experiencing the feeling that you can lean into yourself.  That you can lean back more profoundly into your essence.  That you can let go into yourself as you haven’t been able to in so long, or perhaps ever.  And rather than this being a sudden destination, it will be a slow realization…something you ease into by possibly first being jarred out of it by the intensity of shifting energies during these eclipses, and then finding your way over and over again to sink back in…to lean in and listen to deeper knowing emerging from deep within you…

If that sounds like a lot of work, I understand.  But I promise it is just surrendering to nature…your nature…and that the circumstances of your life and the current energies will simply guide you there.  I am just recommending that if you have moments to weave your fingers into the fur of your cat like the woman in the painting with this writing, please do.  It is one of the most potent ways you can take advantage of the current support and transformational energies…to sensually recharge in whatever feels like “your way” at any given moment.

Know that the sensuality and rest you might be able to find or forage for or ferret out of this wild time is valuable…it’s not just like finding a lucky penny or a pretty leaf, (though those are special too)…it’s like finding pure, alchemizing gold.  It’s like finding a fallen star.  If you cherish it…if you can remember to pause just long enough to languor in it for even an instant, leaning into even a slightly deeper rest into yourself, you will be rewarded in a way that carries you with more ease through this passage, and ultimately that changes your life forever…

What’s crumbling away now is some of the last of what has held out the things you want most.  Letting it crumble means making the way for some of what your heart has cherished and dreamt of, and it is such a very big deal to do that.  Please know that I think you are amazing for doing it, even one crumbling bit at a time…and one little bit at a time is just perfect.

Because there is nothing more beautiful you could offer this world but yourself, free.  Yourself, wild.  Yourself, released and shining.  This is a process and the time it takes is blessed beyond measure.  No need to have a perfect outline of how to sensually rest…if you have one minute now just see what it feels like to close your eyes and sink deeper into your being in whatever way comes.  If you have ten minutes or more, step outside, or make your favorite beverage and drink it languorously…do anything that feels good languorously even for a few minutes…for langurously is the way right now to the language of your soul…and trust me, you are going to want to hear the exciting things it is going to start to say…

I love you all from the bottom of my heart, and I am by your side through this.  We will make it from shipwreck to new shore, and we will even do it while lingering wherever the magic leads us…and the magic always leads us somewhere wonderful…

Love,

Jennifer

Want more support in deepening into the current energies…(languorously?) join my “Summer of Self-Love” for anywhere between zero dollars and about the cost of a fancy (read: delicious) latte…see options and join here!  (Also you can have your “summer of self-love” with a delicious latte…just sayin’! : )

Love this writing? Hop on my email list to receive each new post!

Also, if you love this writing, you will adore my courses, which you can see here, and my beautiful patreon project here!

 

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