Forty

by Jennifer on April 5, 2019

Wednesday, March 6th, 2019

For my fortieth birthday this year, I threw a 90s-themed dance party. It was a costume party, so people showed up in all the styles that to me in the 90s were just clothing. And I re-created an outfit I would have loved to have worn to a party then. (See pic.) Oh, who I am kidding…it’s still the kind of thing I would love to wear to a party. (Wish you could see the boots.)

Yes, you might as well know this about me if we are going to be close…I am the kind of “spiritual teacher” who loooooves a good party. A good house party preferably. In all honesty, those two things are not at odds at all in my experience. How do you think we worshipped and did ritual in ancient times? Yes, we had amazing parties. All…of…the..time. It was often how we bonded, had visions, and healed together.

You might say it has been my party mission in this lifetime to find parties that have even a hint of that old magic…and I am happy to say I have been able to do so many, many times. Despite having to rally hard during times of extreme illness, despite a lot of other things that could have caused me to give up on parties altogether, I still, so long as my body agrees, peel myself up if needed and put on a pretty shirt I like and something sparkly and head out into the night as often as I can. I still lean in, hoping to hit one of those luminous moments that everyone is bouncing off the dance floor in the same rhythm and smiling with the bliss of wildly happy children. I still show up, hoping it will be one of those special nights that we all end up laughing until our faces hurt, or bonding over deep feelings in the wee hours of the night to deep, soft bass.

It is still one way I visit the temple. Oh, but there are so many. A modern priestess has to be creative about keeping the temple alive in her life. Thank goddess nature is still there…the original temple. Nature and each other. That’s originally what the temple was all about.

But anyway, loves, I’ve come here to reflect on being forty…quick, before I turn 41 pretty soon. I know age is just a number, and have been saying so since I was in the single digits. (As most of you know I was an unique child. : ) So reaching 40 didn’t have the impact for me that it seems to have on others sometimes, or at least in the movies anyway. I was just excited that I had lived four wonderful decades of life.

Never mind that I have spent one of those decades navigating a mysterious illness (mystery no more), which led me to depths of the underworld I would never even have imagined. But it has also intensified my inner superpowers…and even given me new ones. I wouldn’t trade the gifts for anything, even if they came by fire.

Really all of the best things of my life have come by fire.

I have always burned. But I am incandescent now. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Even if the blessings came via indescribable suffering. It was the price I paid to be burned clean.

And clean…oh my god does clean inside feel good. It’s no less rich, or complex, or wild…all the more so. It’s clean the way dirt is clean.

One thing, though, did surprise me about turning 40. And that is that I just couldn’t figure out how the time had gone by. How had it been 22 years since I graduated high school?? Or 18 years since I met my husband…I mean…WHAT??

It was the best impetus ever, well…after illness…to slow down more than ever and be present in every luscious and even every painful moment of this precious life. (Even though that has already been forefront in my mind and heart since I was a child.)

Three years ago I started decluttering my home. I had tried many times before to lighten my load, but it never really made a great change. Then I found The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and I just knew. I knew I had finally found the way. So, three years ago almost exactly, I did the thing where you pull out all of your clothes and pile them on your bed. Then I hauled out all my books, then papers, then everything else in my house (kitchen, bathrooms, shed, tools, electronics and sooo much more), and finally, this winter, I pulled out all of my mementos. Doesn’t sound too bad, right? I mean you might be wondering why this took me three years.

Ha. Ha ha. Sorry, just needed a little laugh there. Mostly because you just wouldn’t fucking believe how much sentimental paper an Oracle, writer and record-keeper can keep. Oh, did I keep records. Yes, I had some confusing filed away documents like nearly everyone else does, but that isn’t what I mean. I am talking about the books full of poetry I wrote, the page after page of channeling I have recorded over the past twenty years or more…and, most definitely, I am talking about the letters box.

Oh, the letters box…

Somehow I decided that the best thing to do to cherish the connections I had in the past was to keep every single thing almost anyone ever wrote to me. Every note passed in class, every letter sent across the miles, every postcard, every birthday card…allllll of it. There were hundreds, and hundreds of letters. Letters from family, letters from friends, letters from lovers. There were things stuffed in like photos, show flyers, patches with band names on them, clippings (there was a photo of a naked dude in a field of daisies from a magazine…ummm, just because.) There was also a rubber glove, some hair, and some smears of blood. Because why not make it personal, right?

I had been afraid in some ways of my letters box for many years. It had some of the funkiest old paper smells (which I don’t react super well to, and is part of why I am doing this clearing), but beyond that I knew my heart was going to be pulled all over the place. And oh my god was I right about that. I thought there was one love letter…I thought it was the only full-fledged love letter I had ever received other than the ones from my husband. But I was oh so wrong…that one didn’t turn out to be a love letter at all.

But nearly every single other letter in that box was one.

I have been loved. And even if I have lost most of the people in the letters box and I may as well have been sorting through the bones of old loves…I have truly been loved. And that, is how I got to be forty. I spent all those years being loved.

Yes, I have also been lonely. I have also been rejected. I have also tried to bond with animals to make up for lack of human companionship, and cried over Anne of Green Gables and her bosom friend, wishing I had one again too. But if there is one thing the letters box showed me, I have also been loved. And not all loves are meant to last. I mean, at least in this world. They always last in the bigger picture, I know.

So, while I could have counted my years in other ways…either painful or glorious, I can see that I can best count my years by the chances I took with my heart. Oh god yes, you might think by now I’d have given up…it hurts insanely sometimes to keep opening your heart. But I decided a long time ago that it was worth it, and that I would never stop trying. And that is my greatest triumph of all.

I’ve done many wonderful things. I have found and spent 18 years with the love of my life. I have lived out my mystical childhood dreams of sharing my work with the world…for fifteen years as of this month. (wow that feels so good to say.) I have had the amazing experiences of teaching in the temples of Egypt and Greece, swimming in the amazon where I saw pink dolphins, and with sharks in Fiji. I’ve learned an ancient form of temple dance in India and lived in a city full of temples there, and I’ve chanted with nuns in Tibet. But in all of what I have just shared with you, what really made the magic was and is the people (and animals.) The connections. The love. The temples in India were beautiful, but the families I was embraced by there were incomparable. The nunneries in Tibet were stunning, but it was the way the nuns gently nursed me when I was sick that will stay in my heart forever. And my work is obviously most deeply about reaching and loving all of you.

I had planned to read the contents of my letters box when I was 80. Yes, that was really the plan. But then the paper started, you know, decomposing gently…enough to make a smell I reacted to. That “funk” is why I did it now…and at first I was sad I didn’t get to keep the dream alive of revisiting it all when I was older. But now I can say with all my heart thank god I didn’t wait until I was 80. Because that would have been far too much longer to sit on buried love. Even if there was also buried grief, the sooner that could be faced the better, too. After all, if I want to have the courage to keep loving, I’ve got to make peace, and let go…but also let it in. Let in all the love I held at arm’s length when things fell apart or when we lost touch. Time to really feel it.

Because you have to let love flow if you want to be well. You don’t have to force it, or grasp it, or try to make it flow when it doesn’t or isn’t there yet. But by god if it is a river, best to get out of its way and let that baby flow. Even if you can’t show it or act on it for some reason…see if you can let it flow inside of you. I know we build dams inside when we have to…when we can’t possibly bear the love or the possible loss. I get it. I am not saying you should never do that. But when the dam starts to crumble, and your efforts to patch it up fail, it might just be time to step aside and let nature take over again.

She always does. Sometimes if you just slide your hips an inch to one side the entire old world can fall. And it is time for old worlds to fall.

I am also saying that, always and only under the direction of your own heart of course, it is worth it to try to love again. Even if you have had your heart broken a hundred times. Of course it’s just as beautiful and right to pull your energy in and heal when you need to…to love yourself that way is one of the most beautiful loves there is. But if, and only if, life is showing you that more love might be waiting for you and you know that love is meant to be yours, is meant to live in you, is meant to speak through you, is meant to be freed by you…take a chance. You are not alone. I am taking that chance every day, and it is only for the bravest of the brave.

It is how the world will heal.

And you will know, if beyond all your other callings, your calling is to be a lover.

Mine is.

I lost a friend in this last year. A soul friend. The kind that are the most precious and sacred of all. She was a lover too. She poured love on people like the most gracious sun pours light on the world on a staggering, blazing summer day. She had her heart broken more times than there are stars in the sky. But she didn’t stop. She kept loving. And I will always be glad I met her love with every passionate drop of my being, even though it made her leaving this world so searingly painful I couldn’t almost breathe for weeks and was racked with sobs most nights. Even though I also felt her with me just as much as before, or more, I cried for missing her body. I cried because of how much I would miss her hugs, and hearing her voice out loud, and seeing the flash of her movement across the waters like an animal glowing in the dark night.

Like I would say, and like my friend Gibson would say, and like Maude said to Harold when he told her, “but I love you,” at their parting…

“Oh Harold, that’s wonderful. Now go and love some more…

Love is the medicine for the pain of love. So go on lover, go on and love some more.

I love you.

Love,

Jennifer

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2019: Coming Back To Life ~ An Oracle’s Prophecy

by Jennifer on October 30, 2018

Jennifer Luna Posada
November, 2018

They came like water…the visions…the knowing just poured over me in warm waves.  The other day I suddenly just understood, as I lay in bed, as I walked down the hallway, as I had my shower…so many things about my life and path that I hadn’t before, despite my long history of visions.  I could hardly keep up with the beauty flowing through me as I grabbed my notebook and thanked the universe that it is time…it is finally time…for us to fully know this way again…

Once upon a time we used to tell these stories in the caves…around the fires, aside the waters.  We used to carry this knowing in our bones…and now we will carry it once again this way…

It’s time…

A time you have waited for…for so, so long…a time when you felt like you’d finally be ready.

You’re ready now.

I know…maybe it’s a little like getting somewhere and not really feeling like you have arrived.  You might be hungry and sleep deprived, and feeling like everything is surreal and all you want to do is fall into bed.  That’s okay.  I know…you have dreamt of this moment and probably you thought it might feel different.  You thought you would disembark from whatever vessel you arrived on and want to run out and explore a new city, a new vista, a new day…but perhaps instead things look cloudy and you want to turn around and go home.

Don’t worry.  You just need rest after your journey.  And when you rest you will dream…and in this new dream you will suddenly see the vision you had been holding differently.  You will realize this arrival is even more perfect and destined than the one you imagined.  Even the unknown of it is so, so very blessed.  In fact, the unknown of it is where the blessings are that you hadn’t even imagined, even in your dearest wishes…

In fact, it may be an immense, incredible relief to shed and release the things you used to want.  They may feel like clothing that doesn’t fit anymore, and it is time for the fresh and the new…

Finally.

You see, you have been cocooning recently at some very deep levels.  Entering into the most frozen parts of yourself and bringing back blood flow…going to the numb, sleeping places, and waking them up.  And at first that may have felt or may still feel scary, and perhaps sometimes even terrifying.  But you have rousted enough of your dormant power and beauty that it is butterfly time.  It is wake-up-sleeping-beauty time…and you will be the one to kiss yourself awake.

You might have once believed that to be strange and uncomfortable, but you have been so broken open, so brought to your knees, so unbound, and disrobed, that you are ready, even if you don’t know it yet.  Even if you are like an animal that has been set free from past restraints but doesn’t quite know it yet, and still lingers near the old ties.  It’s okay…it takes time to realize you can run free again…to warm and ready the stiff muscles of having been bound.  And just like no one can truly hold you back now, no one can push you to set out before you are ready…

Rest is wise…again, whether this is actual rest or the permission to simply pause between the greater breaths of your life…before you take the first new huge inhale after a deep soul death and rebirth, this is when the new dream will show itself…the new vision…

2019 is a year of miracles…

2019 is a year of coming back to life.

Maybe parts of you are already alive and thriving…pulsing with life force.  But parts of you that have been arrested for years, maybe decades…maybe since before this life…are being freed like wild horses that can no longer be held captive.  And your life will never be the same…

These miracles of 2019 will come in many forms, and I have some recommendations to best prepare as we move toward the new year:

Get comfortable with the pause…

This is where, when and as it feels safe to do so, we allow ourselves to deepen into the darkness…the warm, loving darkness everything comes from.  This is where we allow ourselves not to know what’s coming next, and just to do our best to relax into resting there, and resting as much as we can in general.  This will begin to nourish and rejuvenate us and we can just linger here as long as it takes…

Let yourself dream, and look for signs…

As we linger in this resting phase, new dreams and visions may begin to stir and rouse us.  There is no need here for us to jump into action, but just to begin to feel inspired and moved from within.  We can just let this unfolding start to slowly bring us back to a gentle awareness of a new life coming into being.  We can just linger here, also, as long as this phase takes…

Build warmth, let energy build and flow in your body…

This is the step where it will begin to feel more easy to move energy again, and in new ways…to boost the circulation in your being and your body.  This circulation may come about from actual movement of your body, from connection and new interactions with others, from sexual energy and orgasm, or from a fresh energy of creative flow in your life…

The most important thing about this step is that you won’t have to force it.  It will just move like water downhill…you will just find yourself drawn to what you need.  You will just suddenly be grabbing a pen and free-writing spontaneously, or leaning into a new attraction easily, or wanting to go up and take a walk in the bright new day.  But again, this step can’t be rushed and will come on its own…it will come about because you let it and waited without pressuring yourself, rather than because you thought it had to.

And oh my god will it feel good…

This is where it all comes together and the rest, which leant itself to dreaming the new dream, is now supported by refreshed energy and flow to bring magic into being.  One day you will just know it is time to kiss yourself awake, and you will know how.  Even if you don’t realize it is happening until it is underway, suddenly you will feel that you have let slide off heavy blankets you didn’t realize you’d been carrying for such a very long time.

And your muscles will be stronger because you met your burdens, and finally learned, through relationship with them, to cast them off…but only when they had taught you everything they came to teach you, and gifted you with everything they had to gift you.

This is when the spark catches fire.  This is when the flame of new goodness comes into your life, burns out the old, and heats up the life force of a new era in your reality.  When you break free, it may disrupt the status quo of some things in your life, and at first it may upset some people around you.  But you can’t keep a beautiful bird caged forever, and it was inevitable that you would eventually burn through your binds.  You are too bright a creature to stay in a box…

And everything you have ever wished for and have not yet experienced is outside of that box…

It’s time to trust being a phoenix…because every other option will become a life of dust.  It is time to burn or fade away.  And you will never fade away.  So, you will find a way to trust your fire again.  Your true fire is never harmfully destructive, but a force of healing nature…a thing of beauty…a balm of truth.

Just keep your beautiful phoenix eyes open for the truth it will reveal.  And while you may gasp at first, then you will finally exhale, with a relief you have waited lifetimes to feel…

You do deserve this freedom, and you can have it here on this earth.  And 2019 opens the doorway to make bring it right to your fingertips.  You won’t even have to reach or grasp for it…it will come to you.  And you will laugh, dip your fingers in that honey, and laugh again…that it all finally happened…just as you dreamed it before this lifetime.  Just as you dreamed it in a faraway time and place.  And all the other place-holding visions will fall away and reveal more of the master plan than you have ever seen before…

So just rest if and however you can…trust this pause between breaths, and trust that the dream will come, followed by the signs to lead you into the new flow of energy that becomes the fruition of some of the deepest destinies of your path.  Destinies of joy and realization…destinies of freedom and release…destinies of knowing and sharing your power like never before, like a spring bursting forth finally from dry ground, watering the ground again…and bringing you back to life…

Love,

Jennifer

 

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Just to be a Creature

October 1, 2018

Monday, September 10th, 2018 For Gibson I used to burn sage. Now I ask people, kindly, if they would mind putting it out…so I can breathe.  So I don’t have the leave the space we are in together… I think about the elegance of it all.  The perfection of my grand sensitivity, masquerading as weakness, […]

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When I Let Go…

August 13, 2018

Friday, August 6th, 2018 I dreamt about my grandmother’s house again. The small home that seems to sprawl in my mind…the drawers and cupboards spilling their contents out if even slightly provoked. The entire building felt like a time capsule, since it was hard for my grandmother to let almost anything go. So it has […]

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Time to Refresh: Mid-2018 Eclipses ~ An Oracle’s Prophecy

July 16, 2018

Jennifer Luna Posada July, 2018 In the wake of a fresh new moon and solar eclipse, there is a silence.  A pause…but one covered in frantic, intense energies, obscuring that precious pearl of new knowing you attained by moving through recent deeply transformational energies.  Your boat has been rocked, rocked again, and perhaps even struck […]

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When You Speak Your Truth

May 4, 2018

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2018 “If someone backs away when you speak your truth…let them.” ~ Jennifer Posada “some people, when they hear your story, contract. others, upon hearing your story, expand. and this is how you know.” ~ nayyirah waheed I am going to tell you a great secret… In this world it is unlikely […]

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Better

March 21, 2018

Monday, March 12th, 2018 If you desire healing, let yourself fall ill let yourself fall ill… – Rumi The winter that I was seventeen was strange and long…as the season went on the tendrils of darkness reached further into my friends and I’s hearts, but even then I knew it must be for a healing […]

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2018: Coming Full Circle ~ An Oracle’s Prophecy

November 29, 2017

Jennifer Luna Posada December, 2017 You know you still ache for it deep inside… That fresh feeling a flower feels when it suddenly knows it is time to open…when new energy fills you and every moment is like a first morning in a magical land, precious and perfect and whole.  A feeling of falling in […]

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It’s Let go Time ~ An Oracle’s Prophecy

October 19, 2017

Jennifer Luna Posada October, 2017 So let go, let go, just dive in… because there’s beauty in the breakdown… ~frou frou We are all looking for the days of light.  The days of waking up to the pleasure of skin against sheets, silky and sweet…feeling the ease of breathing soft like the movement of lightest […]

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To the Great Below…

August 18, 2017

Wednesday, August 9th, 2017 “From the great above, She turned her ear to the great below…” ~from translations of the myth of Goddess Innana When I was a little girl, where I’d visit my grandmother in the South, there were abandoned railroad tracks I’d walk for hours.  I’d balance on the rusty rails and let […]

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