Better

by Jennifer on March 21, 2018

Monday, March 12th, 2018

If you desire healing,

let yourself fall ill

let yourself fall ill…

– Rumi

The winter that I was seventeen was strange and long…as the season went on the tendrils of darkness reached further into my friends and I’s hearts, but even then I knew it must be for a healing reason…to draw the poison and then the medicine from within us when we needed it most…

I was a senior in high school and my sister and I had moved out of the house for a while because of trouble at home.  At my after-school job the weirdness of the winter filtered into all my interactions, and all I wanted to do was stock drinks in the walk-in fridge to hide from everyone, where it was quiet, and simple and cold.  Where a jacket was enough.

But I had something better.  I don’t know how it started.  My body must have carried me one day toward the ocean, and I discovered that in the time of my lunch break I could precisely walk down the long back road behind the cafeteria, through the woods and down to the water and back just in time to return to class before the bell rang.  Every day that winter I walked to the ocean, and every day it saved my soul.

This is some of the essence of self-love I teach…it isn’t just useful for the easy moments of pleasure and joy…it is in the soul-saving moments in the dark, and sometimes most beautifully there.

I brought something into this world with me.  A teacher many wouldn’t expect.  One of the finest teachers I could ever ask for.  I have known health in this life, beautiful thriving health.  But I have also known profound illness…staggering, heartbreaking, shocking and unspeakable illness.  Illness, and dare I forget the other equally-powerful teacher I brought with me…trauma.  Together they wove a path for me that might have looked terrifying at times to others, because it was, but which also allowed me to access magical worlds I could never have known.

Let me say now, before we go any further, that I am not recommending these kinds of pain or putting them up on a pedestal, nor am I saying that these types of pain are the only way to these magical realms.  They are, however and most assuredly, one way.  And whether you have experienced something like my situations or not, every one of us has known pain.  Pain we hoped to god was worth something, and would take us somewhere wonderful when it healed.

I know pain does not feel like a wonderful gift when it happens.  But pain always brings us a healing gift eventually, even if it takes longer than we ever could have imagined.  Because, however often it may feel all to the contrary, the Universe isn’t out to hurt us.  It only wants to help us return to freedom and love.  I hope my story today is a reminder of this.

Ever since I was little I could communicate with pure knowingness, with the Universe itself and I felt the love within all things.  I also experienced trauma and illness from the time when I could barely hold my own head up.  It’s just true.  I could talk to beings, perform “miraculous” healings, knew how to work with energy and had profound psychic abilities.  I have managed to keep those abilities intact and make a life teaching from my ancient memories as an Oracle, Priestess, Nymph and Sibyl.  It brings tears of joy to my eyes to write those words…it means the world to me that I have been able to do this.

I can walk through the woods and hear the voices of the trees…I can tune into the larger movings of energy in the cosmos and understand their messages.  I can access the wisdom and rituals of ancient lives and bring them back to the world, and help others be able to do the same.  I can access and embody indescribable levels of bliss, and communicate with my body, or any cell within it, for any reason.  You would not imagine that a girl like that has also known a crippling illness extending, in waves, throughout her lifetime.

“Why aren’t you better?” I imagine many people wonder.  Haven’t you been treating Lyme Disease now for years?  And ill longer than that?  Don’t you have healing gifts that should allow you to just make it go away?

To that I have two responses.  One, why would I send away a friend?  True friends can be hard to come by in this life.  And while it may sound straight-up masochistic to call Lyme or trauma my friends, if I were to lay out the gifts I have received on this journey it would be too magnificent to look at all at once…like looking at the sun.  My intuitive abilities, my connection to my body, my ability to live like a true animal, and my ability to appreciate life and love have only grown.  And so, even in the darkest nights, I have tried to trust, knowing that the gifts weren’t done being shared yet, and trying to hold on.

It doesn’t mean there haven’t been times it seemed like all of those abilities had slipped into some deep abyss, like my pearl ring.  It doesn’t mean there weren’t times I couldn’t even stand up, or walk, or speak.  It doesn’t mean I never wanted to give up.  I just knew I never could.  It doesn’t mean it was “just a little phase”…while I had “episodes” as far back as childhood and my late teens, I have been solidly facing the flare up of Lyme Disease for a decade now.  In fact, I am literally writing this at the heart of my ten-year anniversary of experiencing unwellness.

How can I want to cry with gratitude?  Where do I begin?…

I am grateful because I am alive, and I am learning.  I am in love.  My capacity to feel is so phenomenal it awes me.  My body awes me.  I am on my knees at its feet.  Except that I am not separate from it, so I am on my knees at my own feet.  And I have gotten good at being on my knees.  Close to the dirt, so close I can smell it, and it heals me…

Which brings me to my other answer to the question of why I am not better yet.  You see, I am.  Better.  I am better.  Yeah, I’ve got a little ways to go for “all” better.  Some nights that little ways to go suddenly looks impossible to cover, like the last phase of running a marathon I would guess.  But I’m not even running anymore.  There’s nowhere to run.  If you look to the side of all the running and the finish lines you will find me lying in the grass, pressing a flower to my nose, roses in my cheeks.

You see, I’ve drilled so deep I struck wellness.  I opened my body so deeply that a spring emerged where once the earth had hardened.  Because it is easy to harden here in this world, and the body needs time…deep, patient time, to soften hard places sometimes.  Even if the rest of you is open to the sun.

I belong in that field.  We all do.  I live there now, more than ever, and thanks to the pain that has taught me so much, I always will.

Please pardon my french, but if some of you are feeling like telling me to fuck off right now because you don’t feel that way at all, that’s okay.  It’s good to be angry, and anger can be a great healing friend too.  But I can tell you, if it’s a comfort, I know of which I speak.  I couldn’t even say these things if I hadn’t lived what I have lived.  But instead I know both the ultimate truth of love, and the extension of pain.  And, like the Goddess Innana who traveled to the Underworld and died there before coming back to life, I too have the freedom to be Queen of all my inner worlds.  Not just the heavenly.  For there is beauty in every world, unlocked for the brave who knock.  The brave like you.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying I have reached a state where I am better every day.  No matter what happens, or what life wants to show me.  No matter whether I feel more or fewer symptoms, I am better every day.  Because it can’t be less than perfect, every day, even when it doesn’t feel that way, and I give myself full permission to feel everything it makes me feel when that happens.  Everything.

And it’s also a long-winded way to say I am taking winter walks again.  Not because this winter has been hard like the one when I was seventeen.  I am just finally well enough to withstand the cold again and be out and physical every day, early enough in the day even in the winter.  I took selfies in the snow this year that brought tears to my eyes.

It doesn’t make you more spiritual to be well, or to be unwell.  It doesn’t make you more wise to be one way or the other, or more advanced.  It isn’t a sign of greatness to be one or the other, but anything can be your teacher…and everything is.  And everything, whether it seems like it could possibly true or not, is simply drawing you closer to the field of flowers where you belong…the one where you are at total peace with your own true nature, and can live from that place.

For the rest of my life I will be able to share the gifts I have received from pain.  It is the real loaf of bread that never runs out, the real wine that never runs dry, and I will be able to help others be able to suffer less.  I will draw from the well I dug with my hands for the rest of my days, and we will gather there and laugh, and feast, and dance, and there will be no trace of what inspired my need to dig the well…the fact that I needed to reach that water to survive.  There will only be the plenty that came next.  Because that is what follows…

I love you all.  No matter what the plenty is coming.

No matter what, it gets better.

Love,

Jennifer

 

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Also, if you love this writing, you will adore my courses, which you can see here, and my beautiful project…www.orgasmicwoman.com (for all genders : )

2018: Coming Full Circle ~ An Oracle’s Prophecy

by Jennifer on November 29, 2017

Jennifer Luna Posada
December, 2017

You know you still ache for it deep inside

That fresh feeling a flower feels when it suddenly knows it is time to open…when new energy fills you and every moment is like a first morning in a magical land, precious and perfect and whole.  A feeling of falling in love with one’s life and the rightness of it…

But unbelievably hard times may have made you question that desire, and bury it, and quiet its whispers with coverings until you don’t remember it is there…

If that’s the case, I have good news.  This year we pull all the coverings away from that fresh, bright vitality you long to feel again.  This year we get naked in the most sumptuous way and it is all because we are coming full circle, at last…

Yes, 2018 is the year of coming full circle.  Many long chapters will be coming to a close, and new beginnings will flourish.  What major phases or cycles of your life could be coming to completion now?  What new ones would you like to begin?

In preparation for this year of coming full circle, this coming month, December 2017, is going to be one of the most amazing portals of letting go, casting off, and releasing that I have ever witnessed in this life.  The energies are ripe the way a fruit ready to fall from the tree is ripe.  We don’t even have to do anything to make these releases happen.  We just have to be able to make peace with all the fallen fruit, and trust the seeds within them will bring new beginnings.  And, if the energies feel peak for it for you individually, maybe even drink some honey wine and crawl beneath the tree of what you want most, and roll around in the fallen fruit.  Let it coat your body and feed you through your skin.  Nothing is truly lost, and it was time for that fruit to fall.  It’s okay if you can’t eat it all, or don’t want to.  It’s okay if your desires have changed, or if you don’t know what the new ones are.  Don’t worry about waste…nothing is wasted.  The old fruit lived a full life and informs the new seed.  It lives on in a new and even more pure and elegant expression of its essence.  Like you and I.

So cast off…cast off your inhibitions and the things you don’t love anymore.  Take the risk of unburdening yourself in whatever possible ways you can.  Clear out your garage or do that releasing ritual from your last relationship you know you so much need to do. Buy new sheets or a new piece of clothing or whatever you know it’s really time to refresh.  But, whatever else you do, donate, recycle, or throw away every possible item that weighs you down and holds you back.  Burn some things if needed.  Just get the layer of dust off of your life and your heart and get ready to shake the fuck free.  It’s time for your spine to move again, your lungs to fill again, and for life force to flow through you like music.

Again, because it matters so much, light a fire inside.  Light a fire and let things burn.  You know just what to put there…you know just what to set aflame and how to burst with light when you are freed from it.  And when you follow the first inkling about what to purge or cleanse, something else will reveal itself to you.  Follow the trail of release that opens up…one breadcrumb after another you will be guided…

All of this shedding and releasing in December will prepare you for 2018, the year of coming full circle.  And it’s not just one circle in your life that will come to completion this year, it is many at once.  It will be like a textured and orchestrated piece of music that is just about to come to one bright, blessed, consummatory note of resolve.

And then you will take such a sweet, deep breath, and start anew…

And this time you will start the dance with a different consciousness.  You won’t have the heavy bags you tried to dance with before, but you will keep the beautiful and weightless gifts of what they taught you.  This coming full circle is about one thing most of all: freedom.

So, look for new blossoms and new stirrings under frozen ground, and most of all: forget the rules. Forget the rules in your heart. 

Forget the rules that you bound it with…trying only to protect it.  The heart will show you its own organic, ever-shifting boundaries, and their sacredness.  But the rules that constrain you, and trap you in the fears of yesterday…love them, hug them goodbye, and when you are ready throw them right in the fire.  Make sparks, make wildfires, make moonfires and bloodfires and new universes with your awakening luminosity.  Shine all the rest away.

So, shed your skin bright one…slither and shimmy until the restrictive layer on your being and your life comes loose and slides off of you.  Let go of the people, places, projects, possessions, activities and influences that are making your wings heavy.  It’s all coming full circle again, and for the first time in many years you will feel the liberation of being so deeply complete, and a new chance at spilling into a sparkling, radical new life…

Just lay, soft, under the tree of your desires and let the old ones fall.  You don’t have to grab any of them.  Let them tell you secrets as you sleep there, and give you new dreams.  You will be shown the new way.  It will wake you from your slumber in a love so great it pounds in your heart and ripples out from your soul…and a sky of new stars will open itself to you, all yours for all time…

Love,

Jennifer

Love this writing? Hop on my email list to receive each new post!

Also, if you love this writing, you will adore my courses, which you can see here, and my beautiful project…www.orgasmicwoman.com (for all genders : )

 

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It’s Let go Time ~ An Oracle’s Prophecy

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On Letting it All Crumble Down…

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Broken Hearts and Burning Stars

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2017: The Turning Point ~ An Oracle’s Prophecy

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Like a Falling Star…

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Tuesday, August 9th, 2016 From down here, at the bottom of a magical well, I can still see the stars.  From down here, where I have almost become earth, where my elements are almost indistinguishable now from the breathing soil, I am so surrendered to the wet and the dark that I can’t remember why […]

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Opening Every Pandora’s Box

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