Thursday, March 20th, 2008

It isn’t quite time yet…for the rosebuds. The hot pink camelias outside our kitchen windows are blooming absolutely shamelessly. It is a saving grace. The white and pink blossoms on fruit trees are blushing with life everywhere I go. But there are a few more phases of spring before the wild roses begin to bud. When they do you know summer is really going to come.

Every year I go out and pick them, in forests and on roadsides, and they perform on me a kind of alchemy I have never found elsewhere. They completely intoxicate me with their unbelievable smell (worlds within worlds) and the stickiness they leave on my fingers, and their endless shades of deep and perfect pinks.

They aren’t here, but I know they are coming, and I have them to look forward to. And in the meantime I feel as if I am already gathering them…just by looking at my life.

On my birthday this year we rented a room near where we live, and not even leaving the island we felt like we were taking a trip. Sometimes just changing your environment and being in a neutral space can give you such a sense of perspective, freedom, and renewal. I love to reflect. And a birthday, especially this one, was a great time to do just that. I found some surprises. I found that there were far fewer photos from my past that I wanted to add to my new photo album than I thought there would be. All the photos from my lifetime are in boxes, and I thought I would finally make an album. I set dozens aside, but when it really came time to start placing them I had the great realization that I only wanted to add the ones that brought me joy to see.

I realized that as much as I love my friends from my past that didn’t make it into my present, I have let them go. And that was a relief. Far from meaning I don’t love them anymore, it may even mean I am free to love them more.

I realized that most of what I wanted to see were reflections of myself…either in images of me or of those in whom I could see myself or my love reflected. And I didn’t feel ashamed of that at all. We all want to see ourselves truly. It is the only way we will ever see others truly too.

And then all the things that felt conflicting in my life, or confusing, seemed to be rubbed clean…and started to have a golden glow. And I realized that gratitude, real gratitude, will redeem anything. It heals all. It rises above duality and paradox, and transcends dark illusions and heavy burdens. When we can feel gratitude for all that has passed in our lives, we are suddenly whole.

I know another thing about gratitude, and this is that it can’t be forced. It has to be naturally-occurring, like sexual desire. It has to come in its own time and in its own way, and then, to get the most it has to offer, we just need to open fully to it.

Many times in the past when I had finished a reading with someone I felt overwhelmed. But not in a tired or drained way…no…just overwhelmed with some energy I couldn’t name at first. And then one day I realized it was gratitude and I let it wash over me, like a wave…and found a deep and sweet resolution and release. It is like a song pouring out of me when it happens, and yet filling me up instead.

Lately I have been finding that that it simply wants to happen more…about all kinds of things, even things that carry pain for me or once did. It just seems to be there waiting for me at so many turns…and I welcome it. I am ready for it. Looking at my life this way, past and present, is like one long day of gathering rosebuds. And they are all, somehow, so sweet…and bittersweet…and sweet…

Suddenly, when one spends life gathering rosebuds (while they may), there is no more regret, or shame, or even judgment. There is nothing left of the facts and the stories…just a deep fragrance from a very long summer you will always know in your heart.

May this summer live forever in your heart, may gratitude naturally find you and seduce you into surrendering to it, and may you therefore remember that all you are ever doing, is gathering rosebuds…

Love,
Jennifer

Saturday, March 15th, 2008

So funny how we think about spiritual work sometimes…

Like it is a practice we can learn, or an impending event of ascension, or applied healing. Like it is a book we will write, and suddenly our wisdom will have been discovered and expressed. We will have done something with our gifts. It could be all of these things, but ironically you can do all of these things and still miss the heart of what we may really be here to share.

And it is much too simple, and goes almost entirely unseen…though its far-reaching impact always eventually comes back around…and becomes like a slow wave of bliss rising in our lives. For the true work of a spiritually-aware, mystical person…an Oracle or a Healer or a Master of any kind, is in little kindnesses. Not just the ones that are evident. I am including the true kindnesses that are sometimes hard to share. Sometimes to be truly kind we must be honest in a way that will not be well-received in the moment. For to only give the gift of your kindness when it looks nice or feels good is not true kindness. True kindness is something you have to search your heart for and be courageous to express. It seems to cost everything.

It is this courage that makes the heart of a mystic. This willingness and this fragile but undying hope. This desire to light a tiny flame on a dark night, regardless of whether your effort is known. The desire to do it for the sake of the light. It is a knowingness, deep in your bones, that will never be found that way anywhere outside of you…only reflected there as a reminder.

It is living by tiny glimmers of retribution at times, but cherishing them as the little nourishments on the hard passages of the path. It is loving those glimmers so much that we would be carried by them on the ocean of longing and doubt. These glimmers that are the moments we can see it all…what it has all been worth and the difference we have made, sometimes in something seemingly-inconsequential. It is a spontaneous and authentic compliment, listening to someone without judgment, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in front of others, or reaching out a hand when no one else is there. It is saying what we have to when we are so afraid. It is about being who we really are, no matter what. It is about taking risks, and trusting against all odds. It is about looking beyond how things seem, and touching someone with love. It is about being able to send love…infinite love, without a return address.

It is about being gentle with yourself…treating yourself like the finest of creatures you have ever known…with reverence and incredible love. It is about doing something nice for yourself when you are so far in the hole there is no more sunshine left. It is about small steps and tiny gestures, and little acts of letting go. It is about letting love in.

It is about knowing that every challenge, every heartache, every moment of suffering you have ever known, has only made you a more beautiful and amazing resource to the others who will suffer and find solace in your expanded and infinite heart. It is about trusting that you do have this heart, and accessing the fire inside to share it. It is, definitely, about burning.

Never doubt that your tiny candle flame, just as much as your blaze, has made a million differences and continues to do so every day. And the more aware you are of this phenomenon, of being a keeper-0f-the-flame, the greater the amazing ripple effect becomes…for others around you and back to your own great heart.

We are here to do just that…keep that flame going inside, and relight the flames of others when they go out. And to do this we must be detached about how the light, how the fire, does its work. We are there simply to bear it…the way we bear our gifts…either as a burden or a triumph and a sacred blessing. Or some of both, as each day passes through its many cycles. But we all know we bear this flame, and that we came to do something with it. Just open your chest, trust yourself, and let it shine.

Here is to the greatness you give to this world…

Love,
Jennifer