Thursday, November 25th, 2010

I was in my favorite bookstore, sitting crossed-legged on the floor with a book open on my lap when she approached.  I suddenly looked up and there she was, saying something softly like “Excuse me,” or, “I’m sorry…” and wanting to get around me to the children’s section.  I moved aside right away and apologized for being in her way, and she went by.  Maybe she said thank you or smiled.  Nothing else happened, to the outside eye.  You could have filmed it, looking for clues, and played it back over and over again without perhaps ever seeing what I did.  But what I saw was so vivid and so real, that it touched my very soul.

For when that little girl looked at me, she looked with her whole being.  When she spoke, such simple words, she spoke with all of herself.  She was not guarded or holding back in any way.  She radiated all of her being in every step, and gesture, and moment.  She radiated so much that with my inner eyes I could see her glowing brighter than any sun.  In her blue eyes, in the brief moment they looked at mine, I could see that she had no fear.  She was at peace with her self in such a deep way, guileless, trusting in something beyond any promises or words.  I felt blessed just to encounter her, to meet someone, a stranger, who still shone all of their light without any hiding.

But I am not really here to talk about her…I’m here to talk about you.  For you are that little girl, and you just (probably) don’t know it.

Sometimes I don’t like the word pure, because rather like the word spiritual, it seems to infer that there is something that isn’t.  And while I know that there are things that we may choose to label as unpure or untrue to our souls that we wish to release or transform, I believe we also too often believe many things to be unpure when they are not.  As we accrue experiences in this life we begin to harden ourselves against it, and to see ourselves as less pure as a result of having been a part of these difficulties.  We may wonder if it is our fault that we have known pain, and feel tremendous guilt for the times we have caused pain or believe that we have.  We learn how to be what is expected of us.  We learn how to be “good” instead of real, and when we fail even at that, often deciding we are not “good” enough anyway, we sink deeper into a hole.

But we have simply forgotten that we are a blazing light, forever and always…a blazing light of the purest love.  And no matter what happens, we will eternally be that.  We are meant to have certain experiences on this earth, as part of our soul plan.  It is for ultimate and true good, rather than the surface or socially-acceptable good, and it knows how to get us to that true good for the soul, and for all that is.  If we could just trust that plan and know that everything in it as just as it should be…if we could just forgive ourselves for such self-blame, for the shame and regrets we have carried.  When we do something that feels truly wrong to us, it is natural to make amends.  To reflect on it and grow as a result of it.  But we forget to let it go then, not to presume it is a negative aspect of ourselves forever that we must bear like a heavy burden.  The only reason most of our inner lights aren’t as visible is because we are bent beneath those burdens we have carried that keep us from truly knowing ourselves.

What if you had no negative images of yourself?  Not even one?  What if you only saw yourself as the purest, blazing light of love?  What if you knew that no one could truly take that from you or put that out, and therefore you had nothing at stake in letting it shine?  What if you left behind all the training about who you needed to be to be “good”…to be loved?  What if you saw yourself as the purest angel, put on this earth to radiate love and beauty just by being yourself.  Not by always making it look a certain way, but by being real…by being angry when you are angry, and sad when you are sad…by shining with the truth of who you are and trusting it?  What if you could know that it is okay to be love and be frustrated…that it is okay to be love and have been hurt…that everything about you and your life and your journey is okay…is blessed?

You are that little girl, regardless of your age or gender.  You are that pure shining light, and you deserve all the beauty and happiness of knowing it.  On this day of thanks, and as we move toward a solstice and a new year, I want to say: trust that light.  Trust your beautiful, blazing heart.  You are love and nothing changes that.  You are ancient and infinite, and of all the stars in the heavens, and all the suns in the universe, the most pure…

Love, Jennifer

Sunday, November 7th, 2010

From the moment that the first leaves began to turn brown, as I’ve walked through the woods and seen them change, I have only had one mantra in my mind.  Let go.  Only it isn’t sad, or a burden, or a command I give myself born of compromise and forced resignation.  It isn’t forced at all.  It is just that everything else in my heart has been stripped away….everything but love and letting go.

And though it isn’t forced, it is most certainly a choice.  It is the only choice that brings me freedom, and sweetness, no matter what the circumstance.  As I walk on the moist ground, I am literally hearing the hush and the darkness begin to descend, literally watching the color rise to its peak and then begin to drain away from everything, making space for the color within to come forth again, and for the color within us to be seen, bright and wild against a gray and white backdrop.

Then I let the things in my life that pull at my heart in a way that keeps me from flying to come into my thoughts and feelings.  And then I surrender them.  I let go of everything inside of me.  I trust in the universe and my own great soul’s plan, and the perfection of everything that is happening.  And it is as if a weight falls off of me and any pain that was there, any struggle, is gone. The condition still exists, but there is no worry.  And then there is only openness to change, rather than resistance.  I realize that this makes me rather an anomaly…sort of an alien functioning differently than most people, and I am just fine with that.

And if it is something that I love, I repeat to myself those well-loved words, “If you love something, let it go…if it is meant to it will come back to you…”  And then I repeat, with that thing I love so much it makes my heart ache and rush, “if you love something…let it go.  if you love something…let it go.”  And there isn’t any love that goes away.  Only the painful attachment which really is fear.  That love only grows.  And the bigger the love gets, the more whole and perfect everything suddenly is.  And so I have to walk often, and love often, and love more…and more…and more.

And a funny thing sometimes happens then.  Just when you become more open, more in love, more wild and free, more whole and enlivened and deeply at peace, there is what seems like a backlash…out of place and abrupt and it serves two great purposes.  First, it can throw you off balance just when you’ve found it.  If you decide to trust even more fully at that moment, and continue your walk the way you’d been going, in alignment with what you most deeply know is true, this experience will only empower you and make you feel even more both rooted and free.  It is also the very natural result of having claimed more of your true knowing and joy.  There is a clearing that happens in your life that is a great blessing, though it may seem like a bad sign at first.  This clearing is simply a removing of all of the vibrations in your life that are no longer in accordance with the new level of vibration you have entered.  The friends who exit simply cannot join you in your new place of dwelling, at least at the time.  The people who rise up to criticize you in a negative and non-helpful way are simply self-selecting themselves out of your life.  And this, is a very good thing.  The job that falls through, the doors that close….they are all making way for what is newly in alignment with our great, vibrant light.  Just as long as we don’t back down at the guardians at the gate and decide to shrink back into the previous comfort-zone where we didn’t ruffle any feathers or take up much space.  Just as long as we decide that these are good losses and something far better must be on its way.  If we cling to the old we will never be open to the new.

And yes, first we may find ourselves naked for a while.  With the old fallen away and the new not yet enfolding us, the chilly winds may feel bitter and we may feel more vulnerable than ever to darkness.  Negativity may swirl around us, tempting us like the buddha under the bodhi tree.  It will try to convince us that we should give up on becoming more of what we truly are…on entering even more fully into the realm of purest, wildest, richest, sweetest, freest love.  But when the warm sun within you begins to shine on everything inside of you, and you glow like a golden moon…you will pay no heed.  Soon that inner light of love will be so strong in you that the winds of negativity don’t even bother blowing by your door.  And when doubt knocks, disguised as an old friend, you may be thrown off at first, but soon enough you will see through it.  The light of your heart will show you.  You may still entertain the doubt, on days when you have more time or when you think it might have something interesting to tell you.  But even then you will never make it a permanent guest.  You will have too many hours delight and inner fascination for that.

You are the secret.  You are the wish and the dream.  You are the light and the bringer of truth.  You are the honey and the nectar of the heavens.  You are the beginning, and the end, and the beginning again.  You can birth universes if you desire.  Just love, and let go.  Because you will never really lose anything, if you do.

Love, Jennifer