Sunday, July 19th, 2009

I write to you from the center point of three eclipses…from the center of a heartstorm.

We are souls of great courage.  We have been through all the fires heaven has ever known, and now we face the new ones that are being born at the time of greatest change on this planet.  And they are not all around us as they once were…they are, in their strongest form, within us.  For we have known many storms in our times, but it is in the heartstorms that we find our death and rebirth completed.  And every time, after we are broken, we wonder if we can ever be whole again…and then suddenly, when we have nearly lost hope….we are.  We are more whole than we ever thought we could be.

And then, often before we’ve even had time to enjoy our new beingness, the storm clouds gather again.  We try to pretend that they aren’t there at first…that it is just something we ate or the night of bad sleep we had.  But eventually the foreboding arrives…what if our newly-built castle falls like all the ones before it?  And before we know it the downpour has arrived and the rivers of mud are moving through everything before we can try to re-direct them away from what we want to protect.

And then the sweetest moment sometimes comes…long before the wholeness was scheduled to arrive again.  It is the moment we realize that all we clung to inside is gone…and that something deeper remains.  It is the moment we climb to the top of the castle walls and decide to watch the lightning strike over the grey terrain, water running down your face and body…and you know the lightning may strike the very building you are resting on…and you don’t care.  You are free.

This is one of those times.  One of those times that you start to become convinced that no one knows you after all, and you really are the alien on this planet that you once thought you were…that you were a fool to try to connect again with others…that you are more alone than ever before.  One of those times that the net that had caught you after your last hard fall, drunken on the loss of your sense of self, is suddenly unravelling and you can only watch it let you go.

I know your bones may be aching.  Your delicate skull wants to be cradled and your heart wants a place in the sun.  Remember the warmth and the comfort in whatever corner of your being you can, and then climb the castle wall and let it all go…something better is coming if you can trust through the wreckage of the last peices of your makeshift and transient security.  Something greater will take your hand…and you will be led somewhere you could never have gone if you had not left everything behind.  Everything but love.  Because even if love has been hiding its face, believe me…it is only allowing you to find yourself in the dark night…and to discover that even that dark night is a greater sea of love.

Don’t let the flame go out.  It is still needed, even if it has been turned from over and over again.  Do not be misled.  It is gold beyond value…immeasurable forever.  Keep it, even in silence when you must, and know you have the treasure of a thousand lifetimes…waiting…for the moment when the world is ready.  There will be love, and magic, and all that your soul awaits and yearns for.

And in the meantime, you can never lose love…so there is nothing to lose…take a front row seat, and let the lightning run right through you…

love. jennifer

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

We are surely weavers.

We spend such a long time weaving, every day.  We are so careful to try to weave all the right intentions into one another.  We try to bring in all the colors of our hearts and place each stitch just perfectly.  When we find an imperfection we go back to repair it, or struggle to make peace that it somehow belongs in the overall picture we are creating.  If it becomes a hole we may, one day, eyes blurring and so tired of the heart’s labor, pull all our hard work apart and start again.

And then there come the days when we realize we are also being woven.  We surrender and become the many threads and allow their dance to overtake us, and be perfect, always and somehow, just as it is.  We stand back to look at the bigger picture being created, and we may still hold that image in our hearts, but we let go…once and for all…and trust that it will turn out just as it is meant to.

We sometimes wonder later, in these situations, if we gave up and should not have.  When the picture turns out dark and not like something we would have wanted to create, we think about the role we could or should have played.  We doubt the perfection and presume it was our own failing that brought it upon us.

And just when we are despairing the most deeply, we find that the colors have begun to return…the tide finally turns when we had given up hope that it ever could.  And that’s when we see it…the golden strand that begins to show more clearly again.  And we fill with lightheartedness and joy as we follow it back and find that it runs behind through all the muddied patterns that have already passed.

It is the thread of love.  And when we have crossed the dark waters yet again, we will always find that it was with us through it all.

We never forsook ourselves or were unguided or unsupported by love.  For love is ever medicine.  Sometimes it will taste bitter while it works a poison out of us, but when the poison is gone we will feel so deeply freed, and we will know the reason for the bitterness.  We will know we were never alone.  Love just has to break us open to set us free.  Love itself has to break our hearts…with love.  It has to be as acrid and as merciless as the wound that binds us, so that it can champion us truly.  Love is devoted to us and would never betray us.  For we are love.

When you think that nothing could ever redeem what you have been through, or the paths in the underworld that you have traveled…know that love is waiting.  It never makes mistakes.  It always has a greater gift than you can imagine…if you can just wait beyond the point you once thought was your limit of endurance.  Then, just when you are afraid you don’t even recognize yourself anymore…you are reborn, and your love is greater than you had ever known it could be.

Love will make you naked, but it always has a soft, warm blanket waiting after you have plunged unprotected into the coldest pools of your fears.  You will be caught, even if you have already hit bottom.  You will be surprised by being given the Sun, when you long before thought all was lost.  Your face will be lifted when you have decided it was only made to wear tears and be hidden, and you will be shown the flowering of your heart, and its many, many lovers…

When times have become hard or your heart heavy and your body weary, look among the grey designs for that illusive glimmer…just wait and hope and pray…it will always surface.  Love.

In Love and Faith, Jennifer