Let Yourself be Freed

by Jennifer on May 25, 2008

Sunday, May 25th, 2008

I have decided that yoga is essential to my well-being.

It isn’t that I become someone else when I do it…it is that I become more myself. Everything begins to roll off of me in waves, and I begin to shake the dust off of my wings, and the restraints. But I have learned that I don’t do it on my own. I need to have a group to do it with, and I am okay with that. And I have learned that if I leave it long enough, coming back is hard…like a smack in the face. Like hitting the brick wall of everything I have been holding onto or repressing, and having to actually feel the achy and painful stiffness I think I will never overcome. But I keep going back, and getting broken, until I feel free.

I have decided that music is essential to my well-being. When I can’t breathe because the waves of my huge ocean heart are rushing up against my chest like pressure on a giant bruise, or because the energies of the world and the cosmos have just been turned up another few impossible notches…there is music. I find a song, or a beat or a melody that completely embodies the fullness of the emotion, and then I can breathe again. I can get up and go out and face the world again with a still-open heart and the courage to continue to be sensitive in a vast energetic landscape of over-stimulation and hyper-exposure. I can deal with feeling everything…once again.

Because I am not going to stop feeling it all. It isn’t in me to stop. I wouldn’t be living my destiny, and I have no doubts at all about its clarity. And, destiny aside, I am spoiled now. I am spoiled by the benefits of the intensity, and I wouldn’t want to experience creation any less beautifully than I do. I don’t want to stop feeling. And yet stop feeling is exactly what we are asked, or even required to do in this world to handle it and still be even functional, or certainly joyful. And just when that system of walking around mostly shut-down has been working alright for so many of us sensitives, the universe, and even the world, are asking for something different. Everything is asking us to blossom…right here…right now. Everything is asking us to open in the most surprising and difficult of circumstances. We think we must be crazy.

Thank god we are.

I have decided that dancing is essential to my well-being. If I can’t feel a beat moving through my body on a regular basis, I begin to feel lost in a way that is so subtle it is almost imperceptible…it goes unseen until I begin to move again and I remember. I remember what it feels like to be totally free…and to be totally myself. My soul becomes honey again, and everything in my life, in the universe, somehow makes sense. I let go because the music holds me. I don’t even have to be myself because I don’t have to be anything. Everything just is. And everything is good. I think it isn’t about always being in that space…it is about being in it as often as possible…and not being too hard on yourself when you are not in it. I think that is one of the secrets of the universe, in fact.

Self-love is not just a realization…it is an act. It is an experience. It is a practice, and one that feels damn good after we make it through the brick wall of pain that we first experience when we start down the path of re-awakening to how unbelievable and beautiful we really are. How perfect, and how whole. Even when we hit the brick walls, defeated and unknown.

If you want to love yourself really well you have to love yourself like a lover…and feed yourself like a flower. You need to know what makes you feel good and do it as much as you can. Then you are not just telling yourself words…you are giving yourself actual reasons to feel love and joy.

I have decided that writing is essential to my well-being. There is a feeling when I put something into words that I thought I could never describe that is like seeing a harvest moon you didn’t expect at a moment when you feel totally alone. It is like reaching through the dimensions and bringing back a lost love. It is like finding a redemption that you thought would never come. Absolution. It is the testimony of your soul’s experience that otherwise seems to wild or too deep to be true, or too insignificant to be recorded, and revealed. For everything that matters enough to us to record in any way, matters more than it seems to. We are divinity scribbling into space, and making masterpieces.

I have decided that being in nature is essential to my well-being. When I am in nature there is no break in the continuity of my being slipping into the everythingness…in fact all of the sudden I am sharing my body with my entire surroundings…and my heart is spilling out and nourished all at once. Bliss and abundance are no longer terms from spiritual books. They are reality. I have decided love and art, laughter and late-night movies, music magazines and bare feet, hands in the earth and good parties, travel and coming home, revealing myself and making mistakes, crying and singing and risking and trying and everything that comes into my path…are essential to my well-being. And I am going to face brick walls and beautiful everythingness with all the openness I have. And when I need to close, I’ll close. And then I’ll build strength to open again…and both will be beautiful, and hard, and bittersweet, and a miracle.

And I’ll get strong again by filling myself up, and doing what I love and what feels good, so I remember I am free. Because we are stars, who get tarnished and burdened by wear, and all we need to remember who we are is a good shining. A soft cloth…like movement or nature or laughter, to help us shed the layers that make us forget ourselves, and feel trapped. We are stars, and we never stop shining underneath. And we must remember how much the world needs our shining, and how much we are fed by knowing our own glistening light.

Shine bright, Oracles…shine bright.

Love, Jennifer

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