Letter to a Self-Lover

by Jennifer on February 13, 2013

strudwick13 copyTuesday, February 12th, 2013

Dear Self-Lover,

I don’t know if you have begun yet.  Perhaps you may not even know what beginning in this way means.  You have just found this letter, as if tucked into an ancient book you just came upon, and though you know the letter could be for anyone, it feels somehow as if it is meant for only you…

It feels that way because, though I am writing it on the date above, I am also writing it from long ago, and from a deep place within you.  I am just putting words to something your soul wants to say…wants you to know…to remember…

There is only one thing that makes a lasting, profound, positive change in one’s life, and that is love.  And there is only one way to get better at feeling love and allowing it, and that is from the inside.  The warm fire you long for at the hearth that is your deepest home is burning inside you right now, and if you have grown cold from its absence it is only because you have forgotten how to truly rest in its glow…and how to let that glow shine forth from you to illuminate every moment of, and every thing within, your life…

I want to tell you how to get back to that flame within of love.  I want to tell you how to wake there every morning, and rest there every night.  I want to tell you how to draw from that place to sustain you through every experience in life…the rapturous to the torturous, and how to transform all of it to gold by burning from all that you are.

I am going to give you that alchemical formula…the one that has been held as secret for ages, the one that has been sought in vain with endless campaigns…the secret to life.  But many people will still turn from it for one simple reason…it seems too unglamorous, too obvious, too easy.  It takes the bravest kind of soul to really see the path, for disguised by simplicity it may be but easy it is not.  However it is the very path to all that your heart yearns for, and all that one needs to take it is enough of a taste of the spark within to be drawn forward…to have that small light through every dark night until nothing can distinguish it…and you are free.

One could say that we are always on this path, and that the journey to self-love is constant and ever-unfolding…and that is true.  But the path I am speaking of is the direct path that we step onto the moment we start moving ourselves toward self-love consciously.  That’s when everything changes…so long as you stay on that path by remaining conscious with every step on it…by continuing even when you stop being able to see your way in the darkness, even when you forget who you are and where you are going and must come from a deeper knowing, even when you’ve given up everything you know…that is the moment right before you are going to break through to a bright new meadow of magic and truth, and beauty.  There may be more dark passages after that, but each one will leave you both more stripped bare and more fortified, and each will shape your life in new ways that support the radiant truth of your inner flame to burn freely.  And trust me, there is no better feeling…this is the return to true nature…the return to love.  There is a lot it has to burn away, and it hurts incredibly sometimes as that happens.  Sometimes we don’t feel the breakthrough or relief for an incredibly long time, but when it comes you are forever redeemed, forever liberated, and truly reborn.

To really accomplish this, you must do the unthinkable…and while you may think that means something like leaping buildings in a single bound, breaking some major law, or swimming from one continent to another, I am talking about that thing I mentioned that sounds simple but isn’t.  I am talking about making feeling good a priority in your life no matter what.  I am talking about making time, be it five minutes or five hours, every day, to do something you actually want to do.  I am talking about carving out time, even if you have three jobs or three kids, to do something that brings you back to yourself once each day as if your life depends on it.  I am talking about being willing to say no to some things, let some people down, rearrange your priorities, work through your resistance, remove the “shoulds” and expectations around how you spend your precious few free moments every day, dig beneath the ancestral shame and burdens, consider grand faith in yourself, and take a breathless leap into finding out what your heart feels and wants…every single day.  I promise you that while it seems almost trite, this isn’t for the faint of heart.

For in a way it is breaking a law to do this.  It is breaking the unspoken law we adopted a long time ago when pleasure was ruled out.  When we were forced, with our lives at stake, to leave behind our inner knowing and the answers and joys in our bodies.  It is that fear that keeps us still hesitant to put ourselves first, and that spell that we must break to enter into our new lives and the new world.

It is actually hard work and requires near-infinite diligence, like any great work of art or love, to find out what you feel like doing with a free moment, make sure you have a few every day, find out what you actually want to do with them, what would feel good, and then really allow yourself to actually feel good.  Just going through the motions isn’t enough.  You have to let it in.  You have to let in the love you have made room for in yourself.  It’s waiting there, like your own beating heart, to be felt.  But you won’t feel it or hear it over the din of a million constraints and requests, a million emails and chores, a million obligations and promises.  You have to carve out the moments of your own as if you were chiseling a tunnel out of rock, and show up every day for it even if at first it only leaves you with a horribly restless and hollow feeling that you want to run away from…or a deep grief about the realization of how long it has been since you really returned to yourself, or the pain of the recognition that you don’t even know what you truly enjoy doing anymore.

That is where you begin.  In the darkness of an unfinished tunnel.  But where you end is meeting up with the inner sanctum of your temple.  That’s where the tunnel leads.  And don’t worry that you may reach your inner sanctum with a feeling of terror rather than relief.  It is terrifying to see ourselves truly…even if only because we are terrifyingly beautiful.  It is terrifying because we will have nowhere left to hide from our radiance then, and suddenly we will know how to make the changes in our lives, day by day and step by step, to set ourselves free.  It is terrifying because we will no longer need outside sources of authority, since it will forever after that time come from within.  We will trust ourselves.  We will know we deserve joy, and to be able to feel whatever else we need to.  We will know there is nothing wrong with us, and when we really know that, there just isn’t anything we can’t do.  We trust everything that happens in our lives then, and everything that ever has.  We are no longer afraid of our power, and we are no longer afraid of love.

Right now you may be standing in front of a huge slab of rock, feeling like you have no tools and no energy to take on this diligent course, but if you lean against that slab of rock and place your ear up to it, you will hear your own heart beating deep inside it.  And every time you make even a little time for yourself and inquire what you could do that would feel good during it…even just for a few minutes a day that are all your own, you are moving closer to freeing your heart, beating as one with its voice and its wisdom, living your life in pulse with its pure joy.  We have protected our hearts for so long, and certainly with good reason, but the war on love is ending, and we are the brave souls who will step forward first unguarded.  Not as a strategy of battle, but because we’ve remembered what it is like to feel good, to have that infuse our lives, and that there is nothing left to fight.

I know even as you are picking up your first nearby stone and striking that big slab it won’t feel good right away.  As the first dust scrapes away you may not feel anything much at all, and as you labor on you may have times when you wonder whether you are making any progress at all.  Those are the moments to put your ear to the wall again and see if your heart sounds even just a little bit louder.  Because once you know what you are moving toward there is simply no other endeavor worth attempting.  This becomes the project you begin to turn to the moment you can every day, and soon feeling good begins to realign you with yourself, recalibrate you with your true nature, and inform every choice about your life.  At first the waves may crash against and crush other things you have built, and the destruction may give you pause, but you must let whatever needs to crumble, fall.  The energy you have spent holding those things up needs to come back to you.  You have better things to do with it.

And then one day you are going to get your first real feeling of it…of moving at the pulse of your own heart.  You are going to realize that you are realigning with its rhythm…  You are going to remember what it feels like to move with the animal of your body, and to speak with the knowing of your deep soul.  And once you have tasted that, like the purest nectar of heaven, you will know it unmistakably, and you will fall in love…finally and forever, with your self.  When that happens you will have a compass from that moment forward that will always lead you back to love.  You will stumble again, but you will know always how to find your way again.

I am writing you today, dear self-lover, from an ancient time and place within you.  I am writing because you knew you would need encouragement at this point in the path, and you placed this letter here for you to find now, long ago.  Your wisdom is sprouting like sweet madness all over your garden, and I can only dream of the blossoms to come.  All that the sprouts need is your loving attention…the time you make just to feel yourself and do what feels good, over and over again, day after day, until you return to the inner sanctum of your self-love…and then, your whole world blooms…

Love, Jennifer

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Brandy February 14, 2013 at 8:25 am

Oh Jennifer, Thank you! Spoken so Truly to my Heart. Love and Gratitude, Brandy~

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Jerusha February 15, 2013 at 9:22 am

Perfect timing, as usual. Thank you for sharing so deeply and connecting soul to soul.

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