Love More

by Jennifer on November 14, 2008

Friday, November 14th, 2008

The sublimity of wisdom is to do those things living, which would be desired when dying” –Anonymous

That was my senior quote for the yearbook. I didn’t keep the yearbook, but I did keep the spirit of those words with me always. We so often get lost in this world, without knowing how to do it in a way that nourishes the soul. For getting lost is as much a spiritual practice as anything else, we just don’t always know how to free ourselves into its beautiful arms.

I have been wandering among the trees of my mind and heart for days…weeks…as the leaves finally disappear into the earth and the gray light sends its hush over everything, I see the quiet power rising…the unseen light approaching from within everything. But as I wander in the woods, I notice I have lost touch with life as I have known it more than I ever have before. Like the fall leaves, the pages of my days are blurring into the ground of something I haven’t grasped yet of a new reality. And I am not trying to grasp it…nor to grasp anything at all.

Sitting at the halloween dance this year, dressed as Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” I felt both thrilled to be unrecognizable for a night, and aching already to be myself again. The next night there was a second dance party and I made a point of dressing up as me, most fully and fearlessly. It is a high healing ceremony for me to dance all night. I am never the same afterward. When morning comes my body is free and my soul is light, and I have been reborn. I am grateful that in a time when tribal and temple rituals have been lost, we can still find our way back to these rituals of music and dance.

Sometimes when I dance I reach ecstatic trance…my body becomes a vehicle of pure bliss, and I become possessed by the soul of love. It is like a gift from the universe to myself, and it feeds me wholly. This is a way to become lost, without losing anything. When you practice acts of self-love and self-nurturing you come to know yourself in such a deep way that you can forget, without the threat that you won’t remember again. That is a sacred forgetting…one that lets you forget what ails you…what holds you back…what tells you that you are less brilliant and amazing than you are…what burdens you.

When you get lost in the healing way…perhaps in a chest-thumping beat or rain rolling down your window glass, perhaps in a good movie or a choppy ocean’s waves…and if you really, really let yourself go into it…then if you were sick, you forget you are sick. If you have a broken heart, you forget you have a broken heart. If you don’t like something about yourself, you forget whether it is truly you or not. Then, when you return to yourself anew you get to decide what to bring with you, and what to leave behind. We have thrown off what we are sure of, so we can be more picky about what we want to carry along. It is time to travel light. You…you beautiful soul…are a constant reinvention. Nobody really knows who you are, heavenly star, but you.

And then, when you are traveling light, there is suddenly nothing but more love. And even if waves of pain come sometimes close on its heels…there is even more love. The heart is a many-chambered thing, I heard as I danced that night…so love more. And when the love becomes too much too bear, you will grow bigger…and bigger…and a thousand times you will wonder if you can possibly expand any further…and a thousand times you will. And when you can’t bear the beautiful ache of love inside you anymore, you begin to offer it up. Just give it to the universe, which now fits inside your own heart. We are capable of so much…

And soon the dry sponges of pain and separation inside of us have soaked up so much love that they become something new. Even their pain becomes a song that talks about love underneath…love underneath everything. Loving more doesn’t require a lover…it comes with many, in many forms. It makes life an act of love. It doesn’t make you “nicer”…it makes you more real. Sometimes that will look nice and sometimes it will look otherwise, but it will make the light of the world grow brighter, and that is what we will begin to look to more than other appearances.

Take more chances. Decide no one can tell you what the future holds, and it isn’t just a bad storm coming…it is a sunrise of a magnitude beyond the gold of heavens and the silver of a million glowing moons. It is the heart’s fire just getting ready to truly burn. It is an endless river of red silks and purple leaves falling from trees made of forgotten dreams.

Touch and be touched more…in ways you never knew you could be touched. In places in your body and soul that you never knew existed or could have such sensitivity…because you are finally less afraid. Don’t listen to anyone as well as you listen to your own heart. You still have right now. Your heart is still beating. Things can change in ways you could never imagine from here.

You have a precious chance…in fact countless chances…to be alive. Really alive. To break free from the structures that are crumbling around you and within you anyway. You can ride the wave. It isn’t here to destroy you but to free you.

Love makes you immortal. It is your legacy and your purpose. It is your home and your essence. It isn’t simple and it isn’t cleanly edged. It is messy and perfect. It will tear you apart and then give you wings to fly just when you think you have ruined everything. Love is the phoenix that always, always rises from the ashes.

So please pardon that I have fallen off the map and the radar lately…I am looking over ledge of eternity at the cycles of our world overlapping magnificently into the distance, and just about to hit a climax beyond the wildest dreams of any Oracle in any time…until now. Fall apart. Lose your mind. It’s going to happen anyway, so the more you surrender to it the easier it will come and go. You will find out what is underneath and it will carry you, with extraordinary tenderness and passion, through the passage to a new world.

“I have found that if you love until it hurts, there is no more hurt…only more love.” — Mother Teresa

Love, Jennifer

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