by Jennifer on April 16, 2010

harrison171Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

I am an emotional creature.

Why would you want to shut me down

or turn me off?

I am your remaining memory.

I am connecting you to your source.

Nothing has been diluted

Nothing has leaked out.

I can take you back.

~Eve Ensler, I am an Emotional Creature

I was wild tonight.  Wild inside and everything around me was too still.  I knew I had to get out of walls so I grasped the last hour of light, fresh and clear on a spring evening, and got on my bike and rode, very hard, to the ocean.  There are some times that only the ocean can soothe me.  Only she is as fierce as I feel.  Only she can reflect my depth and my unrestrained intensity.  Only she is untamed and as unbroken as my spirit.  For to have an unbroken spirit in this world is harder than being broken.  You rub up against everything because you are too large to fit where others shrink to make themselves to do so.  You are constantly stirring the waters around you, even creating tidal waves…and you can’t help it…and you wouldn’t try to.  You know how much would be at stake if you gave up.  And you never will.  You know things will move around you as they must…barriers will give way and buildings will tumble…but only the ones that need to fall.  You trust.  You trust in that power that wells up inside of you and moves you like a moon moving the great tide.

You are electric and you blow out bulbs and create surges.  People complain because you upset their machines and their houses of cards.  You make waves and start fires…just by entering a room…just by speaking up for yourself or saying what you feel when no one else does.  You are magic.  You are luminous.  You light paths no one has thought of before and walk down the dark ones that no one else will.  You see in the dark…you walk by starlight.  You are guided by the voice that gets angry and you are not afraid to know that it has wisdom.  You do not hide from the immensity of what you feel because you know it is all that you are…you know that it is the most sacred of what you know…it is the holiest of holies and you only remove your shoes before entering if it feels yummy to your feet.

You are a fugitive.  Because you feel.  Because you ache all over and your yearning is a burning in your body and your soul.  You are a fugitive because you love yourself and you know how to steal the moments that are the very juice of life, and let them be your own…and drink them in.  You eat all the fruit in the garden and talk to all the snakes.  You open every box and leave no stone unturned.  You are fearless because you are not even afraid of the fact that you fear.  You are a fugitive, because you trust yourself, and because you believe in yourself above all.  And yet, as this fugitive, you will always be free and never know the cages that others will know.  They are only playing by the rules they were taught.  And one day they will see you streaking by like a flash of lightning on a darkening sky…like a flaming brush stroke on an untouched canvas…and they will realize that they can fly too.  It will grow in them, this knowing, until it burns all their houses down and they can see the horizon again.  And they will want it…all the things they made themselves stop wanting along the way.  And it will bury them in desire…hit them like a wall of wave…and bring them back to life again.

Yes…all the wanting will come back, and all the feeling.  It will rush in like a long-lost lover and we will be utterly consumed by it all.  It will eat everything poisonous and repressive and make it into passionate food for new living.  And the new world will be made of our wanting…and the new world will be born from our desire.

And it will be raw.  Perhaps too raw and we will feel the old urge to run from it before others have time to point fingers our way and say rough things about who we are.  But the raw is what has been repressed, and if we give it space and listen to it we will find out what else is there…we will get down to the real.  Because real is all we have, and all we are.  Anything else just isn’t…real.  Our being real is what will change the world…and if we have to get through raw to arrive there then I say YES to being raw…it is the bringer of the real.  It is the breaker and the healer and the only way we will ever be free.  It is the only way we will ever be able to just be.

Because when we can just be who we are we can move mountains.  We can make old systems tumble and new ones rise.  We can roust old passions and dream new dreams.  We can heal all the pains and love all the reasons why they came.  We can make magic.  We can make miracles.

It can start right now.  Just feel.  Just let yourself feel.  And don’t be sorry for it.  Don’t apologize, unless you want to.  Perhaps it will make a mess.  Perhaps it will disturb somebody’s chess board.  Perhaps it will cause upset and the massive backlash of shame that follows such breaking of the ancient social rules shall come over you.  Stand strong.  You have a right to feel.  Indeed it is the very thing that will change and heal this world…your feelings.  Just like breathing, begin to start feeling…in each moment…knowing what you feel…and making it important.  Trust it.  Speak it.  Scream it.  Sing it.  Cry it.  Write it.  Paint it.  Say it.  Know it.

And if you upset somebody’s apple cart just remember our friend Eve, and pick one up…and take a bite.  It’s time for the apples to fall.

Love, Jennifer

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