Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

I am an emotional creature.

Why would you want to shut me down

or turn me off?

I am your remaining memory.

I am connecting you to your source.

Nothing has been diluted

Nothing has leaked out.

I can take you back.

~Eve Ensler, I am an Emotional Creature

I was wild tonight.  Wild inside and everything around me was too still.  I knew I had to get out of walls so I grasped the last hour of light, fresh and clear on a spring evening, and got on my bike and rode, very hard, to the ocean.  There are some times that only the ocean can soothe me.  Only she is as fierce as I feel.  Only she can reflect my depth and my unrestrained intensity.  Only she is untamed and as unbroken as my spirit.  For to have an unbroken spirit in this world is harder than being broken.  You rub up against everything because you are too large to fit where others shrink to make themselves to do so.  You are constantly stirring the waters around you, even creating tidal waves…and you can’t help it…and you wouldn’t try to.  You know how much would be at stake if you gave up.  And you never will.  You know things will move around you as they must…barriers will give way and buildings will tumble…but only the ones that need to fall.  You trust.  You trust in that power that wells up inside of you and moves you like a moon moving the great tide.

You are electric and you blow out bulbs and create surges.  People complain because you upset their machines and their houses of cards.  You make waves and start fires…just by entering a room…just by speaking up for yourself or saying what you feel when no one else does.  You are magic.  You are luminous.  You light paths no one has thought of before and walk down the dark ones that no one else will.  You see in the dark…you walk by starlight.  You are guided by the voice that gets angry and you are not afraid to know that it has wisdom.  You do not hide from the immensity of what you feel because you know it is all that you are…you know that it is the most sacred of what you know…it is the holiest of holies and you only remove your shoes before entering if it feels yummy to your feet.

You are a fugitive.  Because you feel.  Because you ache all over and your yearning is a burning in your body and your soul.  You are a fugitive because you love yourself and you know how to steal the moments that are the very juice of life, and let them be your own…and drink them in.  You eat all the fruit in the garden and talk to all the snakes.  You open every box and leave no stone unturned.  You are fearless because you are not even afraid of the fact that you fear.  You are a fugitive, because you trust yourself, and because you believe in yourself above all.  And yet, as this fugitive, you will always be free and never know the cages that others will know.  They are only playing by the rules they were taught.  And one day they will see you streaking by like a flash of lightning on a darkening sky…like a flaming brush stroke on an untouched canvas…and they will realize that they can fly too.  It will grow in them, this knowing, until it burns all their houses down and they can see the horizon again.  And they will want it…all the things they made themselves stop wanting along the way.  And it will bury them in desire…hit them like a wall of wave…and bring them back to life again.

Yes…all the wanting will come back, and all the feeling.  It will rush in like a long-lost lover and we will be utterly consumed by it all.  It will eat everything poisonous and repressive and make it into passionate food for new living.  And the new world will be made of our wanting…and the new world will be born from our desire.

And it will be raw.  Perhaps too raw and we will feel the old urge to run from it before others have time to point fingers our way and say rough things about who we are.  But the raw is what has been repressed, and if we give it space and listen to it we will find out what else is there…we will get down to the real.  Because real is all we have, and all we are.  Anything else just isn’t…real.  Our being real is what will change the world…and if we have to get through raw to arrive there then I say YES to being raw…it is the bringer of the real.  It is the breaker and the healer and the only way we will ever be free.  It is the only way we will ever be able to just be.

Because when we can just be who we are we can move mountains.  We can make old systems tumble and new ones rise.  We can roust old passions and dream new dreams.  We can heal all the pains and love all the reasons why they came.  We can make magic.  We can make miracles.

It can start right now.  Just feel.  Just let yourself feel.  And don’t be sorry for it.  Don’t apologize, unless you want to.  Perhaps it will make a mess.  Perhaps it will disturb somebody’s chess board.  Perhaps it will cause upset and the massive backlash of shame that follows such breaking of the ancient social rules shall come over you.  Stand strong.  You have a right to feel.  Indeed it is the very thing that will change and heal this world…your feelings.  Just like breathing, begin to start feeling…in each moment…knowing what you feel…and making it important.  Trust it.  Speak it.  Scream it.  Sing it.  Cry it.  Write it.  Paint it.  Say it.  Know it.

And if you upset somebody’s apple cart just remember our friend Eve, and pick one up…and take a bite.  It’s time for the apples to fall.

Love, Jennifer

Sunday, March 14th, 2010

I am not interested in Enlightenment.  I have already been there.  I am interested in becoming better at being human.

–Jennifer Posada

I guess in all truth it would be most easily said that I am a spiritual teacher.  But I shy away from that term because though it is in a way all I do, I do not really teach.  I remind people of what they already know.  And it is simply because I remember.  It is what Oracles do.  They remember because they feel…and they feel deeply.  But even Oracles need reminding.  And it is for this reason I came, to remind the other Oracles.  To remember is to love.  And so I came to love.

But for those who love, you know it is not easy…not easy to love so grandly in a world that still fears such grand love.  But the world is caving.  Caving in to love.  You can’t always tell but I can see it.  I know.  And I know you can feel it too somewhere inside.  That is faith, and it isn’t based on nothing.  It is based on what you know but cannot see yet…what is perhaps and often most true.

And so I teach self-love.  Because we are learning to love on that grand scale again and it all begins, and ends, within.  The rest, all the love you share, is simply a natural result of having that kind of love burning inside you, strong, fierce, and bright…the result of being on fire with love.  Remembering ignites us…remembering who we really are.

But I do not teach that remembering who we are detaches us from emotion and human experience.  In fact I teach that remembering who we are is found through emotion and human experience.  I believe that what we feel…all of it…is sacred.  Not something to tone down or repress.  Not something to hide from or transcend.  Something to honor and embrace.  Even our deepest sufferings are golden, and will always reveal their shine and richness with time.  They are rare and true and ultimately more blessed than we know when they are passing through us and through our lives like wild storms tearing everything apart.  That which seems to tear us from ourselves is only there to show us an even deeper way of being real.  A way of being true to ourselves we would never otherwise have known.

Recently a friend who has taken many courses at the Oracle School came to visit and asked me what it was really like to be me…remembering so much and so in tune with the universe…”It must be like living in a state of grace,” she said.  The music was loud so I couldn’t really respond right then but I thought over what she said and when we sat together over coffee the next day I told her my thoughts.

I told her that I had come up with two things I realized and wanted to share.  First of all I told her that being me was much more like living in a “state of realness.”  In being born remembering I simply am unable to be something other than my true self, whatever that may mean in any given moment.  It means I let myself feel whatever I feel through life, and try never to judge it or doubt its purpose.  It means that I am not without rough patches in the path, but I know how they fit into the Oracle’s journey because I have been on it for so long.  So I trust it.  I don’t expect that everyone will understand me, or that I will always understand what I am feeling myself.  But I know that it is holy.  I know that there is no wrong in it because the universe gave me that feeling…I gave that feeling to myself, and since I know I am a very wise soul (as are each of our souls) I know there must be something right in it.

I am not detached from suffering.  Nor was Isis when she wailed and lost her soul for a time along the banks of the nile when Osiris first belonged to the other realms, all the while in full divine awareness.  Nor was Magdalen when she grieved her losses, nor were any of the beings who we now revere who lived human lives and were meant to receive the blessing of making medicine from poison.  That is why they are still able to share that medicine now.  We too are here to make medicine.  We should never doubt it, even when we feel the poison coursing through our veins.  We wonder why we took that poison again!  We forget while we are sick with it that we are the healers, healing ourselves as we speak and able then to pass on that gift to others.  We only see that later, but it will help us to remember it now!

We can ascend or we can descend.  We can ascend but we have done that before!  What a greater challenge and no less enlightened, in fact perhaps instead the new level of enlightenment this world and the people of this universe are ready to achieve, it would be if we could descend!  Not into the darkness of our fears but through them and into our primal essence and the truth of what we feel and what we know.  What if our priorities changed and we didn’t have anyone to impress but ourselves.  What if we were not afraid to walk with our weakness and our strength both showing…to walk with the arrow in our hearts and not bend to hide it…to not pretend but to feel, and to feel, and to feel…and to know that the arrows dissolve when it is time?  What if we were no longer ashamed?

And so I told my friend the second thing I had thought about in response to her comment, and that was that after realizing that it was more like a state of realness I live in, it came rushing over me how much that is a state of grace.  How much, indeed, I do live in a pure, unbelievable and absolute state of grace.  How much my life is charmed, blessed, and beautiful…because I know it.  Because no matter what is happening I know where home inside me is.  And even if I am going there to nurse my wounds or collapse into an exhausted sleep…I know the way.  And I always find wholeness there.  I live in a state of grace because I trust.  I know who I am at the very core, and nothing makes me believe otherwise about myself because nothing is more real.

This is a time to reconnect with yourself in new, old, and deeper ways.  It isn’t very hard.  You just need some time for yourself.  As much as you can make.  Go to the woods, or anywhere you can feel yourself.  Write.  Make something.  Talk.  Move your body.  Do the things that bring you back to yourself and do as many of them as you can.  You will find a love letter you wrote to yourself a long, long time ago in another world, and it will tell you all the secrets you have been longing to know, and it will tell you something you had forgotten, about what is coming next…

Love, Jennifer

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