Jennifer Luna Posada
Beltaine, May 2016
It hurts. It ignites. My whole life is on fire. But I have waited ages for this moment. When even the corners burn and nothing is left dark but the night we all come from. The night made of love…
What is it that you most want? Not yesterday or last year, but in the beating of your heart in this very moment of your life? Can you feel yourself pulled toward it? Or has the ache of living dulled it down? Don’t worry if it has. The current energies are about to cause it to erupt in quakes of deep feeling…
For some of you it has been happening already, and you are wondering how much more you could possibly take. I have good news for you. There are ways to shift the flow and have it move through you in a way that assists in more fluidly opening the doors inside of you that have been closed the longest, and that contain the greatest treasures. In fact, that is what will happen anyway, but there is one focus that will catalyze and free that flow the most: returning to your wild self…
What better moment to hold this focus, for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, than Beltaine? May 1st, no matter what part of the world you are in, is a mid-season portal of transformational energies that will build on a process that started in March with the eclipses and Equinox. Those events in March blew open passages inside of us we had long forgotten, and may not have even recognized as our own at first. They may have looked like dark, desolate paths we’d be crazy to take. Like the path right into hell even. But they are actually the most direct way to your holy of holies, your unclaimed lands of infinite beauty, your gifts of greatest luminosity and the ripest fruits you no longer remembered in your garden, but that taste like home when you return to them. These overgrown passages that look like decay or fire lead you right to the places where you are about to shake free into the new morning of your life.
If you are tired, you may be thinking to yourself right now, “Oh god, more dark passages and fire? More hell and heaven? No thank you!” But I promise you this is worth it. These current energies aren’t opening a path of years, but a path of lightning-fast change based on the many years you have already been doing deep inner work. And you won’t have to dig around for these paths, or be unsure of which one to take. One by one they will open their gaping mouths at you and you will either decide whether to enter or your soul will decide and you will find yourself thrust in without even a moment’s thought. If you have a conscious choice and decide to wait, that is absolutely fine…you will get as many chances as you need to do this until the time feels right.
So what will help as you tumble through these catalyzed and firey changes of deep feeling, deep healing, and sudden shifts? As I mentioned, this is a time of returning to your wild self, or what I call your “animal body”. This is a time when your instinct will be re-ignited and lead you again in a way that will feel like finally breathing after years of holding your breath. It will feel like your first drink of water on a long desert journey. We have been waiting for this. This kind of power is what blows through whatever most stubborn walls inside you haven’t been able to cross, climb, or bring crumbling down. This will open you up in a way that will heal your life.
If you are going through a pretty vital, energized and exciting time in your life this deeper reconnection with your wild self might come from an all-night fire, dancing with friends under a full moon. There might even be some howling, and bare feet, and bliss. And if you are in more of a space like me, crawling out of the cave of a winter that seemed to last hundreds of years, healing from an illness that can never be described, this return to your wild self might be quieter. Softer. Your bare feet might touch the ground ever so slowly. As if for the first time. You might simply step outside when everything is just too much, and spend time with the rosebuds outside your window that know just what to do. Nature is its wild self all the time. Go there. Go there outside when you want to, and go there inside of you…where you are wild.
It just so happens that I am healing from one of the most enigmatic and potentially-debilitating diseases of all time. I have had Lyme Disease since I was a little girl, and been experiencing symptoms for eight years, and have passed it along to my beautiful husband. I was diagnosed only a little over a year ago, and have about another year of treatment to go. There are no words for the brutality of my experience, but there are also no words for the beauty. I wouldn’t change it, in part because it has given me the chance in this body to live my own teachings at a level few ever witness or experience. I am getting to heal my animal body with pure instinct, giving it all the time it needs. This is so very holy.
I mention this because there is no experience outside of the wildness of the body. The ecstasy of the body isn’t just for good days, for experiences that “look” spiritual or celestial. This is dirty. Dirty and heavenly both. On your knees you can both cry and laugh, and it is all wilderness. Your wilderness. No shame, no ugliness. The beauty is embraced with the sadness, the pettiness and frustration with the joy. You are a beautiful wild creature and none of it is less divine than the rest. I know you have likely been taught to see the placid face of enlightenment as the goal, but the anguished, ecstatic face of the wild soul within you is no less holy and indeed the greatest healer of our planet in this time. If we haven’t already, we are once and for all going to stop always looking up and start looking down, and in…
To bring this to a real life example, I have made a practice of feeling my wildness every day in multiple ways that come naturally, and am able to be in my animal body all the time. My favorite communion with or celebration of it at this exact moment is when I meditate at night…I turn off all the lights and just listen to the frogs which I can hear from inside my room. Like the roses, they tell me everything I need to know. They are singing what my heart says. They know my wild self and every sound they make is a testimony to its heartbeat. Hope. hope. hope. redemption. beauty. hope. love.
Like you, I answer email and have to call customer service when things go wrong. I pay bills, and take care of business and do things that sometimes feel not so close to my wild self as I stare at screens like the rest of us. But even now as I stare at a screen I am pulling from deep in my wild self to write this. I am doing so no matter what I do, and if I ever forget that I just lift my eyes a little, like I just did, and see the last rays of sunlight on the new green growth of the tree outside my window. A thousand lamps with a thousand flames light up in my heart when I do. All is well and my wild self is restored, as if I had just leaned over a sweet fresh spring to drink when I was soul-deeply-parched.
The first step is to notice when your inner wild self is thirsty. If we have felt this thirst for a long time it might be quite strong, and yet we may have also numbed ourselves to it for that very reason. It’s okay. If you just tell yourself you are ready to feel it again, it will come. The next step is to find out what will quench that thirst. If you have no idea, just go outside. Even if it is winter where you are or you can’t get out of bed, you can watch the moon or the stars from your window. You can even get the same results from visualizing being in nature. It may take time. At first you might not feel much or you might only feel the ache of the caged animal…the animal that has given up trying to be free. But be free we all will, once again. It is in those very stars that this will be so.
The secret is in your animal body…your wild self…your return to instinct. The dirtier you get, the more time you spend in nature, the faster these changes will alchemize into pure gold, and pure freed-up joy and healing in your life. And length of time is actually less important than repetition…and the amount of repetition that is most powerful is specific to you and your own unique journey.
For some having a forest walk once a week will fill your cup, and for others stepping outside every hour or so, or really immersing yourself for a while daily will create the biggest changes. For some people it might be just thinking of nature in your visioning or meditative times, or in your bath or before falling asleep. Or it might mean just opening a window to a fresh breeze or bringing flowers into your house.
It also might mean having that good, long cry you’ve needed, or that soft summer nap. It might mean finally singing from that raw place, or letting yourself get angry without shame. It might mean having an orgasm, or many, or putting your hands in the earth.
Trust your body. And when you feel sick, in heart or body, remember that right now the universe is raining potent change on you and the medicine to get you through is right outside. And that medicine will take you deep inside, and reignite your pure life force as never before.
Then all the new dreams of your life can be born, and lived…
I love you all dearly.
Love,
Jennifer
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